Trials of the "Not-So-Mommy" Mommy.

a moodswing?

2007-02-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

From now on, until blogger learns to behave, I will be blogging at www.leaving1302.wordpress.com

all choked up.

2007-02-20T01:18:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I had my anomaly scan. For the non-moms out there, that's the midway detailed scan which is done to ensure that the baby is doing all right, there are no exra organs developing that don't need to be there and that generally, there are no problems. Since k had not been with me for any scan yet, it was an exciting moment, one that I had been looking forward to and that we had talked about quite a bit. I mean, this would be a sort of a first introduction with our baby. Without it looking like a blob.

Cut scene to me lying on the bed and the sonologist peering at the screen, which faces away from me. K can see it and since I can't, I'm watching his face for signs of overwhelming emotion. Now I don't have much experience with dads-to-be since it has been most of my closer female friends who have had babies, so I have all these preconceived notions about how men generally get choked up at the thought of a child. Blame the Indian films but men (good men, that is) always seem to be most anxious for children and exhibit appropriate amounts of spontaneous emotion especially when in the dramatic situation. Now knowing k, I couldn't expect that of course, but I was optmistically looking for any tell-tale "I'm-looking-at-my-future" wobble to the chin or glisten in the eyes. As I waited for the doctor to finish making her notes so she could turn the screen to me, I could see k's eyes narrow then widen and then finally this triumphant smile broke through. He looked directly at me, and excitedly exclaimed, "Awwww, it looks like a dinosaur!!"

Congratulations everyone, we are having a dinosaur.

Orientations

2007-02-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

In one of the only prenatal classes I attended, a sweet-looking nurse sat opposite me and some other newly mummied people and told us about stuff that will help us in the coming months. Posture, diet, mental well-being, happiness. She talked about the actual physical formation of a tiny person inside us and the different stages that will follow. Fascinating stuff.

She commented on how we all must be (note: MUST be) overwhelmed by it all and perhaps feeling a bond with the baby? I darted a sneak glance around me and all the young early twenty-something moms were nodding vigorously, one going as far as to say in an emotionally wobbly voice that the baby was the most important thing to her now. Seriously? I asked in my head. What about your husband? Or family or work? Thats it, I thought to myself, I am devoid of the maternal gene. The nurse smiled patiently at this exuberant mom and looked at me, almost willing me to reply also. After a few seconds of studiously looking at the execise pamphlet in my hand, I looked up.

"How old are you?" she asked.
"29", I replied. Definitely the oldest one here.
"Is this your first baby?"
"Yes."
"How do you feel?" she prods.

"A little tired," I answered, looking around again.
I sounded absolutely robotic and she looked at me enquiringly. So I took a deep breath and try to go on. "I actually forget sometimes. And if feeling a bond with the baby in the first trimester is any indication of what kind of mom I will be, then I don't think I will be very good at what I do. Honestly, " I add, as the other girls shuffle a bit. "Maybe you should ask me again in a few months." Some of them nod, a little relieved. Maybe she's just slow, I can almost hear them thinking.

We, again, as a society tend to want to do what othes want us to. We react in predictable ways because that is what is accepted. We indulge in banal small talk at social occasions and feign ecstatic responses at weddings because to say we are petrified for someone or possibly having second thoughts for ourselves is just too risky. We, as a rule, should exude glowing joy at having babies despite the fact that it hasn't even hit us yet. We should suddenly start looking maternal and peaceful, call children "beta" and generally move into an advanced aunty type mode where the only "real" discussion of course is about children. Trust me I have seen it happen. One day you find out you are pregnant and the next day you are someone else. Sometimes it gets annoying. Mostly it stays amusing. Actually, it depends on the hormones.

The Great Segregate.

2007-02-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

Becoming part of a couple these days is all the more exciting because not only are you now being emotionally taken care of, you also get to go to places "with" someone. After many many years in our 20's car-pooling with friends and then perhaps eventually acquiring your set of wheels, it's a weird relief to finally be able to rely on someone who will, without questions, perform the pick and drop. One more reason to love him. Socilizing takes on a new charm because you meet up with friends "with" someone and almost all outings are borne of mutual agreement. You get spoiled because you choose to hang out with people who are like you- who celebrate your choices and conversations and decisions and being in life. It's easy.

Part of being a married couple, however, eventually means socializing together on a level that is not so voluntary. Occasions come up where one or the other better half has to acquiesce to the other persons request to "have to" go to a work dinner or meet up with a random lot of people who have been planning to meet for a long time. And usually, you cannot get out of it.

Recently we have found ourselves at two dinners with unlikelies. One set of people was a lot we didn't know at all, and the other a lot of extended friends. Both had one thing in common.
The Great Segregate.

Now when we hang out with our group of friends, we don't even think about segregation. Most of the people around me have been lucky enough to have fallen "madly in friends" with people we ended up with so chances of there being a gender bar (or any bar) on conversation is not even considered. And when we do want to have a "girly" conversation, we simply meet separately. I'm sure so do the guys. Coming back to the dinners, the first one was most interesting as the men holed themselves up in a room resplendant with smoke and the wives awkwardly settled themselves in the lounge almost as per habit. Conversation was at best, routine, with yawning gaps here and there- mostly about domestic help and children. The divide was unusually orchestrated, not quite comfortable but almost done to fulfil some unsaid social requirement.

The second dinner, at an old school friends house, saw a similar phenomenon happen but in a different way. The segregation that happened was smooth and effortless. There was no wall separating the guys from the girls. No physical barriers. No uncomfortable please-dont-communicates hanging in mid air. It was a simple slight turning away of the body to create your own space as the girls' conversation jumped over topics like the new Bond to the issues of being a lawyer at work in Karachi to having three kids to food to inflation to roads to anything. It was not a case of having to segregate, more so of it happening in a natural unconscious way even, and just as smoothly, as effortlessly, the two sides of the divide found themselves coming together as part of a larger conversation.

Perhaps we have evolved so much in our own group of friends that we forgot to make the distinction between men and women, the distinction that society, on so many levels places, upon us. With us, it has become more about individuals. Sans the gender. And it always takes stepping out into the "real" world of men and women to realize how lucky we are that, in our social existence, we choose not to tell the two apart anymore.

anniversaries of the heart.

2006-11-26T13:57:00.000-08:00

Recently I forwarded out an email to a close few friends called Anniversaries of the Heart. The gist of it was "We all have anniversaries that go largely unspoken and unobserved. The day you met your spouse, first kiss, break up, the day you bought your first house and so on. There is no calendar to reflect them, no Hallmark card to express the emotions tied to the events, only a quiet observation within a few hearts. They are not restricted by the passage of time either. Today, think about some of your own secret anniversaries and perhaps observe them in a meaningful way. You cherish these memories for a reason, so honor them by not letting them fade from your consciousness. After all, these are the most personal of all holidays.".
I got a prompt response from Hussy of course, my usual and most enthusiastic partner in the crime of overanalysis and then there were some other answers on a completely different level altogether. Heh. Always good to keep the perspective wide, I say. Anyhow. K's birthday from the year we met to today has always been one of those days when I get suddenly taken aback by how far life has come from those days of platonic conversations and denial. This pic taken was at Hussy's house at midnight on Nov 27, 2004, almost exactly a month before I said yes to him and a little more than two years after we met. I think by this point I knew where we were going but was too scared to really believe it could be quite this easy. He, of course, will tell you a different story about how "not easy" it really was.

Happy Birthday k, to many many wonderful years ahead, together.

Good Wives, Bad Wives

2006-11-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

There is so much advice floating out there on what a Good Wife should be. It starts hitting you from right about the time you are old enough to be married (and THAT is another topic altogether!). The advice continues flowing from all corners of the world-from well meaning friends to interfering relatives and even randoms who of course must always provide some kind of commentary and input.

What is sad is that in all this plethora of well intentioned but absolute rubbish, no real issues is ever addressed. Advice skims on good recipes, being there when he gets home, being pleasant, well kept, and all this is said in the most generic terms possible. OF course life is not this general at all, and one hardly uses mass advice.

A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned feeling like she was not a good wife, because she just couldn't fix what her husband was going through, job-wise. She said he was feeling demotivated, tired and blah. "I'm trying to tell him it will pass but I feel maybe that is depressing him even more."

The pressure is so intense to be the everything in your partners life these days. It's like if you are married, nothing should ever afflict you again. There should be no depression, no tears, no demotivation, no simple blues and blahs anymore- simply because You Are Now Married. I told B that one of the most important things I think I have realized in my 15 married months is that lows are as much a part of marriage as the highs are. And learning to give space to each other to mourn on our own on any level becomes more important. I used to love a good solo sob every few months- even if it was triggered by something retardedly meaningless. It was a much needed negative energy release. I'd hate to think that one of my therapeutic sobs or wallowy lows was automatically associated with my partner.

A major part of being the good wife for me has been realizing that, no matter how wonderfully connected a couple you are, sometimes you just need to fight solo battles. And lose on your own. And win on your own. However, if you know you are being watched over from the sidelines, it's the best feeling in the world.

steering clear

2006-10-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

In a conversation today, a friend was telling me about a friend she has- who she has never ever had a fight with. No argument, no showdown, no not-talking-for-months-then-making-it-ok. She said that whenever they felt they were heading towards a topic where they would have a difference of opinion, they would steer away, not talk about it. "Over the years," she admitted, "we do have less to talk about completely honestly, but I guess atleast we are still friends."

a running commentary

2006-10-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how, since we are born, our life is subjected to some kind of commentary? And here I am not talking about the healthy positive commentary we could all do with in life- I am talking about the insistent, nosing passing of random seemingly interested comments that people do when they are looking to one up you with their own news.

It starts with schooling- the well meaning questions here and there about where your son or daughter got in, followed by periodic inquiries (and pointed comments) about trophies, extra curriculars and of course grades. The O and A levels are prime points- as they would be considering everyone knows exactly when the result comes out. Somehow one manages to get out of that commentary in college because college for every person is so subjective. After all, no one was truly interested in my development studies reporrt or how I got the idea for the fashion convention design. Possibly because they didn't understand it.

Work starts and thats always a part of life where people are constantly commenting. On degrees and pay packages and growth and career and hierarchy. So and so got into there and so and so is waiting for a better offer. And if you think that is bad, wait till the wedding bells ring.

Ever since I have gotten married, I have not yet been able to meet random relatives without some kind of comment being issued from them. Initially it was about how much happier and glowy I was looking in life now that I was married (of course in comparison to my 28 year long withered and dry existence before). Slowly that got boring so it became sidelong smiled comments on keeping the husband happy, cooking and house. Every time without fail, it was something. "You look like you have put on weight." "You should do something to your hair." "You look so worn out- why do you work so hard?"

Now mind you, I am fully aware of the need to small talk our way through social occasions but my mother taught me to focus on the positive. To affirm people's choices in their lives. To somehow leave them feeling uplifted in who they are, even if you don't understand it. She told me that even if I thought that old old friend from college looked like hell after her third baby in 3 years, I should focus on something positive in her life and comment on that, if I have to comment that is. That despite the fact that a friend of mine married completely the wrong person, I should try and see that he will atleast be at peace with what he chose. And I should communicate that to him, so he can feel some measure of support also. I think over the years, that became an outlook, a way of living- downplay the negative, highlight the positive.

Then why do people become insensitive to those around us and expect high amounts of sensitivity where they themselves are concerned? How can they expect other people to reflect back pretty pictures of their lives when all they do is spotlight the harsh reality of others? Sometimes I think it is because deep down the only way some people can truly feel good, is by making those around them feel bad. Someone once said the surefire way to feel better is to think of someone who is worse off than you. So yes try it out for yourself- when your life choices aren't looking too bright or going the way you would have ideally liked them to, it's best to pass a disparaging remark to the next person you meet. Comment on their weight, their happiness, their achievements. Disguise it as a concerned question. See how good you really feel about yourself.

heightened living

2006-10-12T02:39:00.000-07:00

At some point or the other we all find ourselves doing routine things without thinking. Sometimes as simple as going back to the same place, ordering the same thing over and over again and at other times it can be as complicated as finding yourself a part of a relationhip dynamic that no longer does something for you.

As human beings and consumers, we live in the age of choice. Everything we want has an alternative. A back up. If Lipton does not suit me, I will turn to Tapal. If the coffee at Costa is not my taste, then Espresso it is. Or Baluch. Or Cafe Clifton. My options are unlimited. But more often than not, out of sheer force of habit, or familiarity, one tends to stick to safe things. Which have been around, even if they don't do for me what I would like. Atleats they are safe.

With me, usually, it's a death that rearranges the boxes in my head. And I go into questioning mode...wondering if the patterns that we have fallen in in life are actually choices, things we have opted to do because they add thats something special to the quality of our lives. Because we all realize, however ephemerally, especially soon after losing someone important or seeing someone lose someone important, that life is too short to spend precious time doing too many random things with too many random people, who will always only dance about the edges of your actual existence. And then you start looking beneath and beyond the faff, for the people who truly matter, who honestly care and who will be there when you need them to be and work to stay there. You start looking for work and things that evoke a passion in you, that spark some life into the way you think, the way you live and in who you, one day, want to be. By choice.

september 30, 1944

2006-10-02T04:35:00.000-07:00

62 years, 6 children, 5 children-in-law, 12 grandchildren, 4 grandchildren-in-law, and one and a half great grand child later, they are still, by the grace of Allah, living happily ever after.

Momma's Little Angels

2006-09-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Nowadays we are surrounded by married couples in various stages of married life- the newly married, the freshly honeymooned- the our-first-ramzan-togethers, the year olds, the happily pregnants, the 2 years olds with one kid, and the 4 years old with 2 kids and the 3 plus years and no kids. Each new dynamic with it brings for me, in my current observational mode a fresh set of realizations about couple intimacy and closeness, family dynamics, about love and terrifyingly, about loyalties.

Drawing on a recurrent conversation with a friend, who thinks its "time to get married" because his mother wants grandchildren, the mom and son relationship always takes me by surprise. Trying to talk to him about his own need for a lasting relationship is hard- his primary aim in getting married is his mother's needs. I'm scared for the girl who marries him-

To be honest, I always found that somewhat endearing- guys who watch out for their mothers; maybe because I have grown up in female dominated house I found it fascinating to notice that boys could feel as much as girls did for their mothers- but what i eventually realized is that this relationship borders on the scary. It's almost like one word from mom and a previously independent man, fully capable of not only managing house and home and a career while wooing the lady of his choice will be reduced to a blithering idiot, useless in his ability to even form a sentence, much less have an opinion.

From the time we are young we are taught that parents come first, that we should always love and respect those people who made most of the sacrifices for us while so we could grow up safe, stable, loved. In our culture it is more than a given. It's almost a freakish obsession.

Of course I love my parents and I would do anything for them but does that give me the right to ignore a set of priorities aimed at other indivudals who are also a part of my life? Does it always have to be a tug of war for the exact same kind of love? Why are the different kinds of love, duties, needs so hard to recognize and separate? Does a man think that standing up for someone he loves over his mother means he does not love his mother- can it not mean that that situation requires his compassion to be elsewhere? And where is it written that there is a limited amout of love that can be given out and we have to fight for it?

Talking to that same friend, who insists that his wife will be secondary to his mother because his mother brought him up and he owes her more, I want to bang his head on the wall. Or mine. "How can you possibly compare the two?" He shrugs and asks how can you not. If there are two women in his life, obviously the one that has given him more, will be the ony he should give more too. I breathe deeply. Reason with the fool, says an iner voice. "So firstly your wife comes in as a child bearing machine because your mother has grandmaternal instincts, and then she does not even enjoy a priority status in your life? Why would she marry you?"

Even in this day and age, when man has walked on the moon and achieved supreme intellectual heights, his emotional IQ remains grazing the floor as he remains largely unable to distinguish between different levels of relationships, loves, loyalties and existences. He remains oblivious to the fact that there are sides to be taken (without needing to hurt), that priorities should be given (without tagging them with a forever) and that in most cases in life, balances have to be maintained maturely, with faith and understanding and some kind of know-how of human nature, because types of love cannot be interchangeable.

appeasing those voices

2006-09-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

random social occasion.
"so how are YOU doing?"
"im good Allah ka shukar- how are things with you?"
"oh amazing. soo...how's k?"
"oh he's good- busy with his new job-really like.."
"aaaand..how's Marrried Liiife?"

blinkblink.

"its great- thanks." polite smile.
"aaand?"
"hmmm, wel you know, the usual. busy with work and things"
"soooo whenareyouhavingkids?"

forced smile. no getaway in sight.
"soon, soon- inshallah- lets see"
"how long have you been married now?" ugh
"a year and couple of months" please go away.

"oho-bass ab tau youll want to have kids"
intrigued. "i will?? why?"
"common sense, bahee- ho gaya bass alone shalone time-
bass quickly have kids before you get bored."
you mean before YOU get bored.

These conversations to me (note how I don't say WITH me) or variants thereof, these days are a dime a dozen. Everywhere I go, every tenth person I meet is looking at me with an inquiring smile, as though I'm about to burst with some news any moment. After all it's been a while since my wedding and I haven't provided people with something to talk about.
We are such a entertainment-starved people. We thrive on happenings. Births, deaths, pregnancies, miscarriages, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings- just give us a reason to get talking, visting, moving and we are all for it- with boundless enthusiasm. We need to know what is up in everyone's lives and once someone hits an even plateau (read: happy, consistent, even if slightly boring life), we go and shake them up a bit, hinting at trouble ahead if they don't rise out of the rut they find themselves "trapped" in.
Even when answering such people, I momentarily find myself scrambling in my head for something to report- a recent trip, a big project, any tidbit in hopes of calming them down, holding the fort till I do produce news worthy of headlines. The trap is so easy. It's so a part of our lives. Who gets married first? Who has a kid first? Who has the three kids first? Who got which job and how? Why haven't you bought a car yet? When will you bhuy a house? Why is he still single? Why is she still single? And as you slowly start giving into the questions and trying to fulfill the voracious needs of the social voices around you, you are slowly giving up on your own life and timings, sliding without realziing into the race of rats, to run aimlessly and blindly towards these "goals" without remembering whether you even wanted to part of the run or not.

The importance of marriage

2006-09-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

Is there some rule to know if a marriage is going to work?
Morrie smiled, "Things are not that simple Mitch."
I know.
"Still," he said, " there are a few rules i know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person you're gonna have trouble. If you don't know how to compromise you're gonna have trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike.
And the biggest one of those values, Mitch?"
Yes?
"Your belief in the importance of your marriage."

-Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

The Rut called Marriage

2006-08-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

A recent conversation with a friend went something along the lines of her commenting on how strange it was that I haven't fallen into the rut yet. The rut that marriage supposedly is.

How is it a rut? I ask her. And she stops for a moment and asks back, "How is it not? I mean you wake up every morning next to the same person, go to work, come home, wait for him to come home- you have dinner or go out and poof, its night time and the whole cycle starts again in the morning. Isn't that a rut? But funnily enough you seem to be enjoying it..."

You can it a rut, or you can call it security or you can even call it life, but when you strip it down to basic generals of existence, nothing sounds exciting. I paused, thinking of how to answer her. And I thought of my day today. Taking full advantage of the chaotic paralysis that is rain in Karachi, k and I enjoyed a breakfast together before setting out to see a movie at the cineplex. Evening time spent at mom's. Dinner again was just the two of us, getting a chance to catch up on so many things that have been going on. Nothing very different, all kind of...rutty, as she would think.

It's so easy to define something as a rut or a pattern when we are not an active part of changing it. Or redefining it. It's so easy to do the same big things everyday and not notice the many different little things we throw in subconsciously to add the spice. For the actual thrills, you have to take out the magnifying glass and peer into the fabric of dailyness to see the funny little extras- the shared laughter over a cartoon in the paper, the car-boat ride to the cineplex through the street-lakes of Karachi, arguing over the hotness factor of Johnny Depp over Orlando Bloom, watching the wedding videos with my sisters yet again, realizing for the umpteenth time in a conversation with him how lucky you are, playing catch with Bong - the non-ruttiness can be endless. But only if you decide to let it be.

k away

2006-08-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

A surprising number of people commented on k being away for the week this time round, even though it was not the first time we have been away from each other. Maybe I looked more tired and drawn this time round- I was battling a bout of exhaustion and flu. Or perhaps after becoming part of a duo- people feel its necessary to cluck sympathetically if your other (better/worse?) half goes away for whatever reason.

Someone I met yesterday asked me how I held up in the week he was away. And I decided to go for the real answer this time round, instead of smiling and nodding understandingly as people tsked tsked about work trips and separation. "It was actually a relief, " I said smiling as her expression froze ever-so-slightly, " I got a lot of pending work out of the way by being able to work later than usual and I wasn't distracted by thinking that I wanted to be with him. So in a way, it worked out rather well- the timing was great!" I finished off, with a laugh.

As a culture, we react best under predictable circumstances. Throw in an unusual situation or two, and we find oursleves stumbling to figure out how an alternative could exist. When your partner goes away, according to the story, you should look incomplete, lost and you should count seconds till he gets back. Funny thing is while k was away this time, I did indeed count seconds till he got back, but all the while thoroughly enjoying the complete rule over the bed and TV, putting in an-amitabh-movie-watching night spent with my sisters and immense relief at having gotten so much time to put pending work out of the way. Welcome back k.

casting of roles

2006-08-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

All relationships start out equal and then somewhere, suddenly someone is stronger.

A friend and I found our perspective over broken hearts by laughing over how needy we used to become in our earlier relationships, despite having started out in them as smart, independent, thinking, liberated women. Somehow, towards what we could later tell was the end, we had evolved into the whiny, pathetic clingy, oh-please-talk-to-me-2-more-minutes kind- the kind we (under normal circumstances) want to slap. We amaze ourselves by how much we can want something, even when it's damaging. We astound ourselves by becoming weak when inside we know we are not. And most surprising of it all is the role we cast for our life, conveniently limiting our own abilities forever.

Having survived shaadi season recently, I found myself in observer mode a lot more than usual. Maybe change is more in the air or maybe I am more conscious of who I am in the process of becoming but things seemed heightened, decisions more key. Choices more stark. I could see so many patterns being set at the wedding itself between the man and the woman- things he would do and she would accept; comments she would make and he would ignore. I could see the same followed in dinners afterwards where both would adopt a demeanor. A demeanour which I think becomes the base for practically everything that follows. She would settle into a role- a placid wife, a subservient daughter-in-law, a defiant partner, a cynical acceptor and he would would settle into his- the king of the family, the good son, the aloof son-in-law and accordingly, slowly, life would start setting up house around them, affirming their own beliefs that this is who they choose to be.At the beginning of every relationship, I think there's a moment. Let me call it a defining moment. It's that unseen unheard of unfelt time period when you form the personality of who you will be taken as for the rest of your relationship-life. Of course there are changes, and improvements and then some more changes, but somehow, in some way, we all end up coming back that role, that character, that we cast ourselves in right at the beginning.

happily-ever-after-one-year

2006-07-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a big one for "coming full circle". I love people, experiences and realizations that allow me to realize with a jolt exactly how far I have come. I like thinking back one year to where I was and thinking forward one year to where I might be. In college, Amna and I used to (on special days like birthdays or end of trips) take a piece of paper and write about what was happening in our lives and seal it to be openeed a year or two years later. Needless to say when we did open it, life had always radically altered. This exercise provided us with much needed laughter, much required perspective and always always a sense of "things keep changing". In some way, I believe it has made me who I am today.

This year on our first anniversary k and I also started a similar tradition. We decided that we will, on the night of our wedding anniversary each year, write a letter to each other about what that year was like for us together. Things learnt, realizations made, something we thought...and without letting the other person read it, we would seal that letter marking it as "Year One" and put it away- all to be opened in 2011 on our fifth year together, inshallah. It's been a year-one I can't really sum up. Not in a blog. Not in a lifetime of words.

separation anxiety

2006-07-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

From the day I got engaged, I had every intention of being a super cool wife. You know the kind- the ones who give their husbands lots of space when he wants to be with the boys and don't nag about the socks on the floor and basically have their own bunch of things to do in life without complaining how he's too busy or has too much work to be able to always hang out with me.

Almost a year into married life and I think I have held up my intentions rather well. For the most part of it I think I have been good. But holidays always spoil you silly. After 13 days of having k to myself, I am now used to seeing him around me somewhere, swimming in the pool in Galle, walking on the street in Colombo next to me, enjoying the buffet at Kandalama hotel. It was constant eye-contact connection, one that I was enjoying immensely. The past few days have seen us both back at work and smack in the midst of wedding season with a flurry of frenetic activity. Early work morning, late mehndi nights, evenings running errands and poof, the days are gone.

I'm trying to rationalize the fact that one cannot live within arms length of each other all the night and of course my rational side has explained to me how the holidays are pockets of wonderfulness, enjoyable more because for the rest of the year we earn them. I understand that, of course, we have to get back to "normal" life where we have our own timings and schedules and commitment- a life where we have to actually construct time for each other. We have to deal with seeing each other in the evenings and that too usually at someone's wedding these days. I understand it all; but I honestly cannot stop the feeling that curls inside me, that makes me want to pick up the phone and call him just to chit chat with him about ridiculous details of the day or hear his voice on the hour. I find myself doing more things in the day these days to cover up for thinking time- a subliminal keep busy sign till k gets back. And all the while I cringe at the much hated typical wife I sound like all the while laughing gamely at the big voice saying gotcha! in my head.

ayubowam

2006-07-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite Sri Lankan traditions has to be that at the doorstep of every house, every shop, every spa, every garden, there is a bowl of water with flowers floating- a ritual they follow by refreshing it every morning. They say it makes for a happy day.

holidayyyy magic.

2006-07-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

the MOST exciting thing at a holiday is leaving your bed all rumpled to come back to a perfectly made perfectly turned out one. magic, i call it.

back off and breakdown.

2006-06-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

Upon the continuous insistence of the doctor to tell him why I thought I had the blinding headache, I mentioned that I had been stressing a lot lately about the amount of work I had taken up. And how accordingly to Murphy's Law Especially for Designers, it had all snowballed into these last 10 days. He murmured dismissively but I could see he wasn't believing me. He finally looks at me with a twinkle in his eyes and says "have you fought with your husband?". Sharing a look with my mom, I gestured at k who stood nearby holding my hand, and we both smiled and shook our heads. He aks persistently, "are you sure?" We both smile harder, shaking our heads. By then my mom can't contain her laughter as she is totally aware of the tirade that has begun in my head.

"Well then, maybe you should fight some!" he declares all knowingly. And that would solve what exactly?

Sometimes, we never fail to amaze me. This whole web we have spun around relationships and our absolute refusal to even consider that life could exist outside it. I mean I'm sure a fight with k would be all important and definitely deserving of a horrible headache, but what about being a 29 year old woman means that that shoud be the ONLY reason my head aches? What about work? World peace? The orphans? Anything else? So many a time in our culture particularly, we are required to weave our existences around our other halves so entirely that any feeling/reaction that does not pertain directly to them is hard to digest. I feel like stomping, shouting, declaring, This headache is mine, all mine. No thanks to anyone but me.

But then I realize how completely crazy I sound. :)

to abba- who i will always argue with.

2006-06-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

Most of the time (when I haven't been disagreeing and arguing with him) I have felt bad for my dad. Not only has he always been outnumbered by the women in the house, he has been outnumbered by women who are headstrong, independent, and have their own ideas about absolutely everything. And I mean everything. He has been a good sport, though, having -evolved a method of absolute shut-off-and-ignore that I suppose becomes necessary for sanity. He surfaced occasionally to impose curfews (which were adhered to loosely) insist on family dinners (which were attended grumblingly) and demand his TV time (which was always given willingly). Over the years he mellowed down from needing to prove his rule over the house, to a kind of a quiet acceptance of the fact that he was king of the house in name alone. Until now. Happy Father's Day, Abba. Enjoy the spoils.

For some eight and twenty years to start,
He's been surrounded by us females strong;
We know our mind and we know our hearts,
He knew he could never win for long.
It's his time now to gloat with glee,
He's leading by a landslide;
He smiles his oh-so-cheeky smile
'Coz he's got two boys by his side!!

shiver

2006-06-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

it's very very scary when you realize exactly how thankful you are of the so many things that are so good in your life.

Second Third and Fourth Thoughts.

2006-05-31T05:03:00.000-07:00

According to most magazines now is right about the time when k and I should have our first really big row. And come to the emotional conclusion that we were simply not right for each other and that we rushed into this without thinking. Some married friends confirm this. And also admit that the second-thought-time followed closely as one took stock of the situation and came to the answer that they really were much better off in the whole single independent life. I mean really, why slave when you can rule?

Second thoughts however, the optimistic marrieds argue, don't necessarily point to an unhappy marriage. Rather, they actually verify a healthy, thinking existence, in which you are open to adjusting to change than merely talking about it. Second thoughts also mean that there were first thoughts, which can only be a good thing because a marriage you stumbled into without thinking, for me atleast, is only reminiscent of falling head-first into a dark well. Thrilling yes I'm sure, but where you end up is anyone's guess. Believing in the best, they also insist that second thoughts are a way of justifying and clearing to yourself why you are where you are. And to move forward if you need to. In life or relationship.

It's a turning point, methinks, this second thoughts point. It's a place you arrive at where you actually make peace with your married status. Where, you finally, blessedly, breathe out and say, Yes I did it. Im married and I'm happy. You finally stop threathening to leave just because he forgot your 5th monthly anniversary. You finally stop reminding him of that time when he just didn't put you ahead of what his mother wanted. You finally stop thinking you could have done better. And you finally stop thinking that you can get out of it if you want and put all your reserves into making it work, for better or for worse.

conversations with the single kind

2006-05-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

4 26- sky still black says:
thanks darling
4 26- sky still black says:
for being the best single married friend
4 26- sky still black says:
*smiley*
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
*smiley*
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
thanks...i think
4 26- sky still black says:
dont think..
4 26- sky still black says:
its true
4 26- sky still black says:
the best features of a single friend are ...wanting to still analyse every detail even if it doesnt figure in her life----as in she is beyiond it- .being around at 4 am...even though she has a HUBBY..whatever that means....
4 26- sky still black says:
and still excited about your little things--and not ....cynical been there done that
4 26- sky still black says:
yawn get over it
4 26- sky still black says:
get it?
4 26- sky still black says:
you have those-
4 26- sky still black says:
and yet you are married
4 26- sky still black says:
its a miracle i tell ya
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
hahhahaha
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
ill save this definition for posterity
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
and i hope you turn out just like me
4 26- sky still black says:
hehehee
4 26- sky still black says:
do that
4 26- sky still black says:
and i hope so too