Trials of the "Not-So-Mommy" Mommy.

a moodswing?

2007-02-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

From now on, until blogger learns to behave, I will be blogging at www.leaving1302.wordpress.com

all choked up.

2007-02-20T01:18:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I had my anomaly scan. For the non-moms out there, that's the midway detailed scan which is done to ensure that the baby is doing all right, there are no exra organs developing that don't need to be there and that generally, there are no problems. Since k had not been with me for any scan yet, it was an exciting moment, one that I had been looking forward to and that we had talked about quite a bit. I mean, this would be a sort of a first introduction with our baby. Without it looking like a blob.

Cut scene to me lying on the bed and the sonologist peering at the screen, which faces away from me. K can see it and since I can't, I'm watching his face for signs of overwhelming emotion. Now I don't have much experience with dads-to-be since it has been most of my closer female friends who have had babies, so I have all these preconceived notions about how men generally get choked up at the thought of a child. Blame the Indian films but men (good men, that is) always seem to be most anxious for children and exhibit appropriate amounts of spontaneous emotion especially when in the dramatic situation. Now knowing k, I couldn't expect that of course, but I was optmistically looking for any tell-tale "I'm-looking-at-my-future" wobble to the chin or glisten in the eyes. As I waited for the doctor to finish making her notes so she could turn the screen to me, I could see k's eyes narrow then widen and then finally this triumphant smile broke through. He looked directly at me, and excitedly exclaimed, "Awwww, it looks like a dinosaur!!"

Congratulations everyone, we are having a dinosaur.

Orientations

2007-02-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

In one of the only prenatal classes I attended, a sweet-looking nurse sat opposite me and some other newly mummied people and told us about stuff that will help us in the coming months. Posture, diet, mental well-being, happiness. She talked about the actual physical formation of a tiny person inside us and the different stages that will follow. Fascinating stuff.

She commented on how we all must be (note: MUST be) overwhelmed by it all and perhaps feeling a bond with the baby? I darted a sneak glance around me and all the young early twenty-something moms were nodding vigorously, one going as far as to say in an emotionally wobbly voice that the baby was the most important thing to her now. Seriously? I asked in my head. What about your husband? Or family or work? Thats it, I thought to myself, I am devoid of the maternal gene. The nurse smiled patiently at this exuberant mom and looked at me, almost willing me to reply also. After a few seconds of studiously looking at the execise pamphlet in my hand, I looked up.

"How old are you?" she asked.
"29", I replied. Definitely the oldest one here.
"Is this your first baby?"
"Yes."
"How do you feel?" she prods.

"A little tired," I answered, looking around again.
I sounded absolutely robotic and she looked at me enquiringly. So I took a deep breath and try to go on. "I actually forget sometimes. And if feeling a bond with the baby in the first trimester is any indication of what kind of mom I will be, then I don't think I will be very good at what I do. Honestly, " I add, as the other girls shuffle a bit. "Maybe you should ask me again in a few months." Some of them nod, a little relieved. Maybe she's just slow, I can almost hear them thinking.

We, again, as a society tend to want to do what othes want us to. We react in predictable ways because that is what is accepted. We indulge in banal small talk at social occasions and feign ecstatic responses at weddings because to say we are petrified for someone or possibly having second thoughts for ourselves is just too risky. We, as a rule, should exude glowing joy at having babies despite the fact that it hasn't even hit us yet. We should suddenly start looking maternal and peaceful, call children "beta" and generally move into an advanced aunty type mode where the only "real" discussion of course is about children. Trust me I have seen it happen. One day you find out you are pregnant and the next day you are someone else. Sometimes it gets annoying. Mostly it stays amusing. Actually, it depends on the hormones.

The Great Segregate.

2007-02-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

Becoming part of a couple these days is all the more exciting because not only are you now being emotionally taken care of, you also get to go to places "with" someone. After many many years in our 20's car-pooling with friends and then perhaps eventually acquiring your set of wheels, it's a weird relief to finally be able to rely on someone who will, without questions, perform the pick and drop. One more reason to love him. Socilizing takes on a new charm because you meet up with friends "with" someone and almost all outings are borne of mutual agreement. You get spoiled because you choose to hang out with people who are like you- who celebrate your choices and conversations and decisions and being in life. It's easy.

Part of being a married couple, however, eventually means socializing together on a level that is not so voluntary. Occasions come up where one or the other better half has to acquiesce to the other persons request to "have to" go to a work dinner or meet up with a random lot of people who have been planning to meet for a long time. And usually, you cannot get out of it.

Recently we have found ourselves at two dinners with unlikelies. One set of people was a lot we didn't know at all, and the other a lot of extended friends. Both had one thing in common.
The Great Segregate.

Now when we hang out with our group of friends, we don't even think about segregation. Most of the people around me have been lucky enough to have fallen "madly in friends" with people we ended up with so chances of there being a gender bar (or any bar) on conversation is not even considered. And when we do want to have a "girly" conversation, we simply meet separately. I'm sure so do the guys. Coming back to the dinners, the first one was most interesting as the men holed themselves up in a room resplendant with smoke and the wives awkwardly settled themselves in the lounge almost as per habit. Conversation was at best, routine, with yawning gaps here and there- mostly about domestic help and children. The divide was unusually orchestrated, not quite comfortable but almost done to fulfil some unsaid social requirement.

The second dinner, at an old school friends house, saw a similar phenomenon happen but in a different way. The segregation that happened was smooth and effortless. There was no wall separating the guys from the girls. No physical barriers. No uncomfortable please-dont-communicates hanging in mid air. It was a simple slight turning away of the body to create your own space as the girls' conversation jumped over topics like the new Bond to the issues of being a lawyer at work in Karachi to having three kids to food to inflation to roads to anything. It was not a case of having to segregate, more so of it happening in a natural unconscious way even, and just as smoothly, as effortlessly, the two sides of the divide found themselves coming together as part of a larger conversation.

Perhaps we have evolved so much in our own group of friends that we forgot to make the distinction between men and women, the distinction that society, on so many levels places, upon us. With us, it has become more about individuals. Sans the gender. And it always takes stepping out into the "real" world of men and women to realize how lucky we are that, in our social existence, we choose not to tell the two apart anymore.

anniversaries of the heart.

2006-11-26T13:57:00.000-08:00

Recently I forwarded out an email to a close few friends called Anniversaries of the Heart. The gist of it was "We all have anniversaries that go largely unspoken and unobserved. The day you met your spouse, first kiss, break up, the day you bought your first house and so on. There is no calendar to reflect them, no Hallmark card to express the emotions tied to the events, only a quiet observation within a few hearts. They are not restricted by the passage of time either. Today, think about some of your own secret anniversaries and perhaps observe them in a meaningful way. You cherish these memories for a reason, so honor them by not letting them fade from your consciousness. After all, these are the most personal of all holidays.".
I got a prompt response from Hussy of course, my usual and most enthusiastic partner in the crime of overanalysis and then there were some other answers on a completely different level altogether. Heh. Always good to keep the perspective wide, I say. Anyhow. K's birthday from the year we met to today has always been one of those days when I get suddenly taken aback by how far life has come from those days of platonic conversations and denial. This pic taken was at Hussy's house at midnight on Nov 27, 2004, almost exactly a month before I said yes to him and a little more than two years after we met. I think by this point I knew where we were going but was too scared to really believe it could be quite this easy. He, of course, will tell you a different story about how "not easy" it really was.

Happy Birthday k, to many many wonderful years ahead, together.

Good Wives, Bad Wives

2006-11-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

There is so much advice floating out there on what a Good Wife should be. It starts hitting you from right about the time you are old enough to be married (and THAT is another topic altogether!). The advice continues flowing from all corners of the world-from well meaning friends to interfering relatives and even randoms who of course must always provide some kind of commentary and input.

What is sad is that in all this plethora of well intentioned but absolute rubbish, no real issues is ever addressed. Advice skims on good recipes, being there when he gets home, being pleasant, well kept, and all this is said in the most generic terms possible. OF course life is not this general at all, and one hardly uses mass advice.

A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned feeling like she was not a good wife, because she just couldn't fix what her husband was going through, job-wise. She said he was feeling demotivated, tired and blah. "I'm trying to tell him it will pass but I feel maybe that is depressing him even more."

The pressure is so intense to be the everything in your partners life these days. It's like if you are married, nothing should ever afflict you again. There should be no depression, no tears, no demotivation, no simple blues and blahs anymore- simply because You Are Now Married. I told B that one of the most important things I think I have realized in my 15 married months is that lows are as much a part of marriage as the highs are. And learning to give space to each other to mourn on our own on any level becomes more important. I used to love a good solo sob every few months- even if it was triggered by something retardedly meaningless. It was a much needed negative energy release. I'd hate to think that one of my therapeutic sobs or wallowy lows was automatically associated with my partner.

A major part of being the good wife for me has been realizing that, no matter how wonderfully connected a couple you are, sometimes you just need to fight solo battles. And lose on your own. And win on your own. However, if you know you are being watched over from the sidelines, it's the best feeling in the world.

steering clear

2006-10-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

In a conversation today, a friend was telling me about a friend she has- who she has never ever had a fight with. No argument, no showdown, no not-talking-for-months-then-making-it-ok. She said that whenever they felt they were heading towards a topic where they would have a difference of opinion, they would steer away, not talk about it. "Over the years," she admitted, "we do have less to talk about completely honestly, but I guess atleast we are still friends."

a running commentary

2006-10-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how, since we are born, our life is subjected to some kind of commentary? And here I am not talking about the healthy positive commentary we could all do with in life- I am talking about the insistent, nosing passing of random seemingly interested comments that people do when they are looking to one up you with their own news.

It starts with schooling- the well meaning questions here and there about where your son or daughter got in, followed by periodic inquiries (and pointed comments) about trophies, extra curriculars and of course grades. The O and A levels are prime points- as they would be considering everyone knows exactly when the result comes out. Somehow one manages to get out of that commentary in college because college for every person is so subjective. After all, no one was truly interested in my development studies reporrt or how I got the idea for the fashion convention design. Possibly because they didn't understand it.

Work starts and thats always a part of life where people are constantly commenting. On degrees and pay packages and growth and career and hierarchy. So and so got into there and so and so is waiting for a better offer. And if you think that is bad, wait till the wedding bells ring.

Ever since I have gotten married, I have not yet been able to meet random relatives without some kind of comment being issued from them. Initially it was about how much happier and glowy I was looking in life now that I was married (of course in comparison to my 28 year long withered and dry existence before). Slowly that got boring so it became sidelong smiled comments on keeping the husband happy, cooking and house. Every time without fail, it was something. "You look like you have put on weight." "You should do something to your hair." "You look so worn out- why do you work so hard?"

Now mind you, I am fully aware of the need to small talk our way through social occasions but my mother taught me to focus on the positive. To affirm people's choices in their lives. To somehow leave them feeling uplifted in who they are, even if you don't understand it. She told me that even if I thought that old old friend from college looked like hell after her third baby in 3 years, I should focus on something positive in her life and comment on that, if I have to comment that is. That despite the fact that a friend of mine married completely the wrong person, I should try and see that he will atleast be at peace with what he chose. And I should communicate that to him, so he can feel some measure of support also. I think over the years, that became an outlook, a way of living- downplay the negative, highlight the positive.

Then why do people become insensitive to those around us and expect high amounts of sensitivity where they themselves are concerned? How can they expect other people to reflect back pretty pictures of their lives when all they do is spotlight the harsh reality of others? Sometimes I think it is because deep down the only way some people can truly feel good, is by making those around them feel bad. Someone once said the surefire way to feel better is to think of someone who is worse off than you. So yes try it out for yourself- when your life choices aren't looking too bright or going the way you would have ideally liked them to, it's best to pass a disparaging remark to the next person you meet. Comment on their weight, their happiness, their achievements. Disguise it as a concerned question. See how good you really feel about yourself.

heightened living

2006-10-12T02:39:00.000-07:00

At some point or the other we all find ourselves doing routine things without thinking. Sometimes as simple as going back to the same place, ordering the same thing over and over again and at other times it can be as complicated as finding yourself a part of a relationhip dynamic that no longer does something for you.

As human beings and consumers, we live in the age of choice. Everything we want has an alternative. A back up. If Lipton does not suit me, I will turn to Tapal. If the coffee at Costa is not my taste, then Espresso it is. Or Baluch. Or Cafe Clifton. My options are unlimited. But more often than not, out of sheer force of habit, or familiarity, one tends to stick to safe things. Which have been around, even if they don't do for me what I would like. Atleats they are safe.

With me, usually, it's a death that rearranges the boxes in my head. And I go into questioning mode...wondering if the patterns that we have fallen in in life are actually choices, things we have opted to do because they add thats something special to the quality of our lives. Because we all realize, however ephemerally, especially soon after losing someone important or seeing someone lose someone important, that life is too short to spend precious time doing too many random things with too many random people, who will always only dance about the edges of your actual existence. And then you start looking beneath and beyond the faff, for the people who truly matter, who honestly care and who will be there when you need them to be and work to stay there. You start looking for work and things that evoke a passion in you, that spark some life into the way you think, the way you live and in who you, one day, want to be. By choice.

september 30, 1944

2006-10-02T04:35:00.000-07:00

62 years, 6 children, 5 children-in-law, 12 grandchildren, 4 grandchildren-in-law, and one and a half great grand child later, they are still, by the grace of Allah, living happily ever after.

Momma's Little Angels

2006-09-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Nowadays we are surrounded by married couples in various stages of married life- the newly married, the freshly honeymooned- the our-first-ramzan-togethers, the year olds, the happily pregnants, the 2 years olds with one kid, and the 4 years old with 2 kids and the 3 plus years and no kids. Each new dynamic with it brings for me, in my current observational mode a fresh set of realizations about couple intimacy and closeness, family dynamics, about love and terrifyingly, about loyalties.

Drawing on a recurrent conversation with a friend, who thinks its "time to get married" because his mother wants grandchildren, the mom and son relationship always takes me by surprise. Trying to talk to him about his own need for a lasting relationship is hard- his primary aim in getting married is his mother's needs. I'm scared for the girl who marries him-

To be honest, I always found that somewhat endearing- guys who watch out for their mothers; maybe because I have grown up in female dominated house I found it fascinating to notice that boys could feel as much as girls did for their mothers- but what i eventually realized is that this relationship borders on the scary. It's almost like one word from mom and a previously independent man, fully capable of not only managing house and home and a career while wooing the lady of his choice will be reduced to a blithering idiot, useless in his ability to even form a sentence, much less have an opinion.

From the time we are young we are taught that parents come first, that we should always love and respect those people who made most of the sacrifices for us while so we could grow up safe, stable, loved. In our culture it is more than a given. It's almost a freakish obsession.

Of course I love my parents and I would do anything for them but does that give me the right to ignore a set of priorities aimed at other indivudals who are also a part of my life? Does it always have to be a tug of war for the exact same kind of love? Why are the different kinds of love, duties, needs so hard to recognize and separate? Does a man think that standing up for someone he loves over his mother means he does not love his mother- can it not mean that that situation requires his compassion to be elsewhere? And where is it written that there is a limited amout of love that can be given out and we have to fight for it?

Talking to that same friend, who insists that his wife will be secondary to his mother because his mother brought him up and he owes her more, I want to bang his head on the wall. Or mine. "How can you possibly compare the two?" He shrugs and asks how can you not. If there are two women in his life, obviously the one that has given him more, will be the ony he should give more too. I breathe deeply. Reason with the fool, says an iner voice. "So firstly your wife comes in as a child bearing machine because your mother has grandmaternal instincts, and then she does not even enjoy a priority status in your life? Why would she marry you?"

Even in this day and age, when man has walked on the moon and achieved supreme intellectual heights, his emotional IQ remains grazing the floor as he remains largely unable to distinguish between different levels of relationships, loves, loyalties and existences. He remains oblivious to the fact that there are sides to be taken (without needing to hurt), that priorities should be given (without tagging them with a forever) and that in most cases in life, balances have to be maintained maturely, with faith and understanding and some kind of know-how of human nature, because types of love cannot be interchangeable.

appeasing those voices

2006-09-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

random social occasion.
"so how are YOU doing?"
"im good Allah ka shukar- how are things with you?"
"oh amazing. soo...how's k?"
"oh he's good- busy with his new job-really like.."
"aaaand..how's Marrried Liiife?"

blinkblink.

"its great- thanks." polite smile.
"aaand?"
"hmmm, wel you know, the usual. busy with work and things"
"soooo whenareyouhavingkids?"

forced smile. no getaway in sight.
"soon, soon- inshallah- lets see"
"how long have you been married now?" ugh
"a year and couple of months" please go away.

"oho-bass ab tau youll want to have kids"
intrigued. "i will?? why?"
"common sense, bahee- ho gaya bass alone shalone time-
bass quickly have kids before you get bored."
you mean before YOU get bored.

These conversations to me (note how I don't say WITH me) or variants thereof, these days are a dime a dozen. Everywhere I go, every tenth person I meet is looking at me with an inquiring smile, as though I'm about to burst with some news any moment. After all it's been a while since my wedding and I haven't provided people with something to talk about.
We are such a entertainment-starved people. We thrive on happenings. Births, deaths, pregnancies, miscarriages, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings- just give us a reason to get talking, visting, moving and we are all for it- with boundless enthusiasm. We need to know what is up in everyone's lives and once someone hits an even plateau (read: happy, consistent, even if slightly boring life), we go and shake them up a bit, hinting at trouble ahead if they don't rise out of the rut they find themselves "trapped" in.
Even when answering such people, I momentarily find myself scrambling in my head for something to report- a recent trip, a big project, any tidbit in hopes of calming them down, holding the fort till I do produce news worthy of headlines. The trap is so easy. It's so a part of our lives. Who gets married first? Who has a kid first? Who has the three kids first? Who got which job and how? Why haven't you bought a car yet? When will you bhuy a house? Why is he still single? Why is she still single? And as you slowly start giving into the questions and trying to fulfill the voracious needs of the social voices around you, you are slowly giving up on your own life and timings, sliding without realziing into the race of rats, to run aimlessly and blindly towards these "goals" without remembering whether you even wanted to part of the run or not.

The importance of marriage

2006-09-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

Is there some rule to know if a marriage is going to work?
Morrie smiled, "Things are not that simple Mitch."
I know.
"Still," he said, " there are a few rules i know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person you're gonna have trouble. If you don't know how to compromise you're gonna have trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike.
And the biggest one of those values, Mitch?"
Yes?
"Your belief in the importance of your marriage."

-Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

The Rut called Marriage

2006-08-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

A recent conversation with a friend went something along the lines of her commenting on how strange it was that I haven't fallen into the rut yet. The rut that marriage supposedly is.

How is it a rut? I ask her. And she stops for a moment and asks back, "How is it not? I mean you wake up every morning next to the same person, go to work, come home, wait for him to come home- you have dinner or go out and poof, its night time and the whole cycle starts again in the morning. Isn't that a rut? But funnily enough you seem to be enjoying it..."

You can it a rut, or you can call it security or you can even call it life, but when you strip it down to basic generals of existence, nothing sounds exciting. I paused, thinking of how to answer her. And I thought of my day today. Taking full advantage of the chaotic paralysis that is rain in Karachi, k and I enjoyed a breakfast together before setting out to see a movie at the cineplex. Evening time spent at mom's. Dinner again was just the two of us, getting a chance to catch up on so many things that have been going on. Nothing very different, all kind of...rutty, as she would think.

It's so easy to define something as a rut or a pattern when we are not an active part of changing it. Or redefining it. It's so easy to do the same big things everyday and not notice the many different little things we throw in subconsciously to add the spice. For the actual thrills, you have to take out the magnifying glass and peer into the fabric of dailyness to see the funny little extras- the shared laughter over a cartoon in the paper, the car-boat ride to the cineplex through the street-lakes of Karachi, arguing over the hotness factor of Johnny Depp over Orlando Bloom, watching the wedding videos with my sisters yet again, realizing for the umpteenth time in a conversation with him how lucky you are, playing catch with Bong - the non-ruttiness can be endless. But only if you decide to let it be.

k away

2006-08-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

A surprising number of people commented on k being away for the week this time round, even though it was not the first time we have been away from each other. Maybe I looked more tired and drawn this time round- I was battling a bout of exhaustion and flu. Or perhaps after becoming part of a duo- people feel its necessary to cluck sympathetically if your other (better/worse?) half goes away for whatever reason.

Someone I met yesterday asked me how I held up in the week he was away. And I decided to go for the real answer this time round, instead of smiling and nodding understandingly as people tsked tsked about work trips and separation. "It was actually a relief, " I said smiling as her expression froze ever-so-slightly, " I got a lot of pending work out of the way by being able to work later than usual and I wasn't distracted by thinking that I wanted to be with him. So in a way, it worked out rather well- the timing was great!" I finished off, with a laugh.

As a culture, we react best under predictable circumstances. Throw in an unusual situation or two, and we find oursleves stumbling to figure out how an alternative could exist. When your partner goes away, according to the story, you should look incomplete, lost and you should count seconds till he gets back. Funny thing is while k was away this time, I did indeed count seconds till he got back, but all the while thoroughly enjoying the complete rule over the bed and TV, putting in an-amitabh-movie-watching night spent with my sisters and immense relief at having gotten so much time to put pending work out of the way. Welcome back k.

casting of roles

2006-08-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

All relationships start out equal and then somewhere, suddenly someone is stronger.

A friend and I found our perspective over broken hearts by laughing over how needy we used to become in our earlier relationships, despite having started out in them as smart, independent, thinking, liberated women. Somehow, towards what we could later tell was the end, we had evolved into the whiny, pathetic clingy, oh-please-talk-to-me-2-more-minutes kind- the kind we (under normal circumstances) want to slap. We amaze ourselves by how much we can want something, even when it's damaging. We astound ourselves by becoming weak when inside we know we are not. And most surprising of it all is the role we cast for our life, conveniently limiting our own abilities forever.

Having survived shaadi season recently, I found myself in observer mode a lot more than usual. Maybe change is more in the air or maybe I am more conscious of who I am in the process of becoming but things seemed heightened, decisions more key. Choices more stark. I could see so many patterns being set at the wedding itself between the man and the woman- things he would do and she would accept; comments she would make and he would ignore. I could see the same followed in dinners afterwards where both would adopt a demeanor. A demeanour which I think becomes the base for practically everything that follows. She would settle into a role- a placid wife, a subservient daughter-in-law, a defiant partner, a cynical acceptor and he would would settle into his- the king of the family, the good son, the aloof son-in-law and accordingly, slowly, life would start setting up house around them, affirming their own beliefs that this is who they choose to be.At the beginning of every relationship, I think there's a moment. Let me call it a defining moment. It's that unseen unheard of unfelt time period when you form the personality of who you will be taken as for the rest of your relationship-life. Of course there are changes, and improvements and then some more changes, but somehow, in some way, we all end up coming back that role, that character, that we cast ourselves in right at the beginning.

happily-ever-after-one-year

2006-07-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a big one for "coming full circle". I love people, experiences and realizations that allow me to realize with a jolt exactly how far I have come. I like thinking back one year to where I was and thinking forward one year to where I might be. In college, Amna and I used to (on special days like birthdays or end of trips) take a piece of paper and write about what was happening in our lives and seal it to be openeed a year or two years later. Needless to say when we did open it, life had always radically altered. This exercise provided us with much needed laughter, much required perspective and always always a sense of "things keep changing". In some way, I believe it has made me who I am today.

This year on our first anniversary k and I also started a similar tradition. We decided that we will, on the night of our wedding anniversary each year, write a letter to each other about what that year was like for us together. Things learnt, realizations made, something we thought...and without letting the other person read it, we would seal that letter marking it as "Year One" and put it away- all to be opened in 2011 on our fifth year together, inshallah. It's been a year-one I can't really sum up. Not in a blog. Not in a lifetime of words.

separation anxiety

2006-07-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

From the day I got engaged, I had every intention of being a super cool wife. You know the kind- the ones who give their husbands lots of space when he wants to be with the boys and don't nag about the socks on the floor and basically have their own bunch of things to do in life without complaining how he's too busy or has too much work to be able to always hang out with me.

Almost a year into married life and I think I have held up my intentions rather well. For the most part of it I think I have been good. But holidays always spoil you silly. After 13 days of having k to myself, I am now used to seeing him around me somewhere, swimming in the pool in Galle, walking on the street in Colombo next to me, enjoying the buffet at Kandalama hotel. It was constant eye-contact connection, one that I was enjoying immensely. The past few days have seen us both back at work and smack in the midst of wedding season with a flurry of frenetic activity. Early work morning, late mehndi nights, evenings running errands and poof, the days are gone.

I'm trying to rationalize the fact that one cannot live within arms length of each other all the night and of course my rational side has explained to me how the holidays are pockets of wonderfulness, enjoyable more because for the rest of the year we earn them. I understand that, of course, we have to get back to "normal" life where we have our own timings and schedules and commitment- a life where we have to actually construct time for each other. We have to deal with seeing each other in the evenings and that too usually at someone's wedding these days. I understand it all; but I honestly cannot stop the feeling that curls inside me, that makes me want to pick up the phone and call him just to chit chat with him about ridiculous details of the day or hear his voice on the hour. I find myself doing more things in the day these days to cover up for thinking time- a subliminal keep busy sign till k gets back. And all the while I cringe at the much hated typical wife I sound like all the while laughing gamely at the big voice saying gotcha! in my head.

ayubowam

2006-07-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite Sri Lankan traditions has to be that at the doorstep of every house, every shop, every spa, every garden, there is a bowl of water with flowers floating- a ritual they follow by refreshing it every morning. They say it makes for a happy day.

holidayyyy magic.

2006-07-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

the MOST exciting thing at a holiday is leaving your bed all rumpled to come back to a perfectly made perfectly turned out one. magic, i call it.

back off and breakdown.

2006-06-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

Upon the continuous insistence of the doctor to tell him why I thought I had the blinding headache, I mentioned that I had been stressing a lot lately about the amount of work I had taken up. And how accordingly to Murphy's Law Especially for Designers, it had all snowballed into these last 10 days. He murmured dismissively but I could see he wasn't believing me. He finally looks at me with a twinkle in his eyes and says "have you fought with your husband?". Sharing a look with my mom, I gestured at k who stood nearby holding my hand, and we both smiled and shook our heads. He aks persistently, "are you sure?" We both smile harder, shaking our heads. By then my mom can't contain her laughter as she is totally aware of the tirade that has begun in my head.

"Well then, maybe you should fight some!" he declares all knowingly. And that would solve what exactly?

Sometimes, we never fail to amaze me. This whole web we have spun around relationships and our absolute refusal to even consider that life could exist outside it. I mean I'm sure a fight with k would be all important and definitely deserving of a horrible headache, but what about being a 29 year old woman means that that shoud be the ONLY reason my head aches? What about work? World peace? The orphans? Anything else? So many a time in our culture particularly, we are required to weave our existences around our other halves so entirely that any feeling/reaction that does not pertain directly to them is hard to digest. I feel like stomping, shouting, declaring, This headache is mine, all mine. No thanks to anyone but me.

But then I realize how completely crazy I sound. :)

to abba- who i will always argue with.

2006-06-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

Most of the time (when I haven't been disagreeing and arguing with him) I have felt bad for my dad. Not only has he always been outnumbered by the women in the house, he has been outnumbered by women who are headstrong, independent, and have their own ideas about absolutely everything. And I mean everything. He has been a good sport, though, having -evolved a method of absolute shut-off-and-ignore that I suppose becomes necessary for sanity. He surfaced occasionally to impose curfews (which were adhered to loosely) insist on family dinners (which were attended grumblingly) and demand his TV time (which was always given willingly). Over the years he mellowed down from needing to prove his rule over the house, to a kind of a quiet acceptance of the fact that he was king of the house in name alone. Until now. Happy Father's Day, Abba. Enjoy the spoils.

For some eight and twenty years to start,
He's been surrounded by us females strong;
We know our mind and we know our hearts,
He knew he could never win for long.
It's his time now to gloat with glee,
He's leading by a landslide;
He smiles his oh-so-cheeky smile
'Coz he's got two boys by his side!!

shiver

2006-06-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

it's very very scary when you realize exactly how thankful you are of the so many things that are so good in your life.

Second Third and Fourth Thoughts.

2006-05-31T05:03:00.000-07:00

According to most magazines now is right about the time when k and I should have our first really big row. And come to the emotional conclusion that we were simply not right for each other and that we rushed into this without thinking. Some married friends confirm this. And also admit that the second-thought-time followed closely as one took stock of the situation and came to the answer that they really were much better off in the whole single independent life. I mean really, why slave when you can rule?

Second thoughts however, the optimistic marrieds argue, don't necessarily point to an unhappy marriage. Rather, they actually verify a healthy, thinking existence, in which you are open to adjusting to change than merely talking about it. Second thoughts also mean that there were first thoughts, which can only be a good thing because a marriage you stumbled into without thinking, for me atleast, is only reminiscent of falling head-first into a dark well. Thrilling yes I'm sure, but where you end up is anyone's guess. Believing in the best, they also insist that second thoughts are a way of justifying and clearing to yourself why you are where you are. And to move forward if you need to. In life or relationship.

It's a turning point, methinks, this second thoughts point. It's a place you arrive at where you actually make peace with your married status. Where, you finally, blessedly, breathe out and say, Yes I did it. Im married and I'm happy. You finally stop threathening to leave just because he forgot your 5th monthly anniversary. You finally stop reminding him of that time when he just didn't put you ahead of what his mother wanted. You finally stop thinking you could have done better. And you finally stop thinking that you can get out of it if you want and put all your reserves into making it work, for better or for worse.

conversations with the single kind

2006-05-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

4 26- sky still black says:
thanks darling
4 26- sky still black says:
for being the best single married friend
4 26- sky still black says:
*smiley*
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
*smiley*
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
thanks...i think
4 26- sky still black says:
dont think..
4 26- sky still black says:
its true
4 26- sky still black says:
the best features of a single friend are ...wanting to still analyse every detail even if it doesnt figure in her life----as in she is beyiond it- .being around at 4 am...even though she has a HUBBY..whatever that means....
4 26- sky still black says:
and still excited about your little things--and not ....cynical been there done that
4 26- sky still black says:
yawn get over it
4 26- sky still black says:
get it?
4 26- sky still black says:
you have those-
4 26- sky still black says:
and yet you are married
4 26- sky still black says:
its a miracle i tell ya
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
hahhahaha
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
ill save this definition for posterity
a certain je ne sais quoi says:
and i hope you turn out just like me
4 26- sky still black says:
hehehee
4 26- sky still black says:
do that
4 26- sky still black says:
and i hope so too

to the good times.

2006-05-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

So much happens over coffee.
Quiet contemplation. Non-stop nonsensical chatter. Life-long planning. Falling in love. Breaking hearts. Crazy laughter. Mad ideas. Deep talks. Long analytical personality dissections. New starts. Old ends. Gossip. Bitching. More laughing. Bonding. Rebonding. Catching up. Getting over it. Getting on with it. Old ghosts lain to rest. Possibilities weighed. Perspectives changed. Lost friends found. New friends made. Previous perceptions discarded. Lives changed. The usual.

im free!

2006-04-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Freedom after marriage is such a popular notion; unsuspecting unmarried women spin dreams of being able to wear and do exactly what they want afterwards. Extreme late-nights are within reach and on the horizon shimmers this mirage of being able to be the queen of one's own destiny...finally. Unfortunately, that is exactly what happens.

Post marriage, to me, atleast everything has seemed more heightened. My parents seem a bit older, my grandparents even more so; my sisters and cousins are friends now, and my friends almost a part of the family. I don't know when the metamorphosis started but all relationships suddenly require more work, more maintenance. People who you saw once in a while because your parents visited them and inevitably dragged you, now fall into the endangered species category for you because, if left upto you, you might never see them again. So you need to fit them into your life even more seamlessly. You are now required to have a separate thing with them- add to checklist. Your eid visiting list is severely modified as you chuck out the people you visited because of your parents relationships with them and add in the people you should visit because of your own rapport with them- and this is not counting the must-visits- (let's not even go there). The births, deaths, achievements, forever multiplying as friends find partners and insist on reproducing, can no longer be celebrated by your mothers representation for the entire family- your module of existence suddenly becomes separate because you are now married. Your invitations to weddings are separate, so RSVP is also your own. It's like after a long easy ride, free of the boring ritualistic family social commitments. I'm suddenly told that I have to do my own driving. But take the same routes. The have-to's of my parents are finally changing...into more have-to's of my very own.

just the two of us

2006-04-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

Being happy with your situation, i have realized, is a rare bird.
We always like the grass on the other side. Simply because it isn't ours.

These days its just the two of us. Mummy is in Isloo.
And I am the Princess turned Queen of the House. I have the accounts in a book. I have to pay salaries.
When the eggs finish and I have forgotten to get them ahead of time, I have to run out and get some. And then I wonder why do people want to live alone together? Having arrived from a family where chaos and support is part of our daily diet, this quiet existence starts resonating loudly in my head. Now I have Catu so coming back home has become entertaining. Atleast something alive and jumping greets you. Even if it is for food. I think back to my mom's house and the constant comings and goings of the entire family during the day and the silence becomes even louder. I put on music sometimes to dance in the room and it's funny because no one tells me to turn it down. I'm used to the conflict. Winning against no one isn't fun.

All wise women, married and otherwise stressed to me the importance of our time alone right after marriage. According to the most cynical of them, that is the one chance you get to make him yours. And according to the other 10 percent, thats the only time you will have to actually be with each other before life and inlaws take over. So as the fairytale goes, K and I are living happily-ever-after these days; feeling "married", doing household stuff together. We take turns feeding Catu, we cook dinner together, watch movies, have friends over. We dance all over the house. And we get to know each other. He hates adrak and lessun ki smell. I can't chop onions. He won't touch liver and I won't be left alone at home at night. He watches horror movies when I am away and I watch Indian movies when he is not home. And as we learn these essential details about each other, it doesn't matter if its just the two of us or if we are surrounded, because at the end, when the day is over and everyone has gone home, it is just the two of us after all.

love you k, for today

2006-04-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

big changes, little changes.

2006-04-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

Marriage is the big Change. The one with the captial letter.
Or so I'd heard from anyone who got married and dropped out of our usual scene. There would always be an "inlaws thing" on the same day we decided to hang out, or a "let me ask my husband"- or simply a "we'll see". People you saw everyday or atleast heard from once a week completely became unavailable, territories got marked, and accessibility was a hurdle.

Maybe very little has changed in my life since Marriage. Or maybe I just took it as yet another life experience or maybe I really *am* weird, but the big changes didn't shake my earth very much. Tiny little tremors, perhaps, but who doesn't like an occasional jolt, just to shake things up a little? However today as I got dressed to go to our bloggers meetup, I started looking around for my black dupatta, and then remembered that I had sent it for laundry. As a complete natural reaction, I left the closet to go ask one of my sisters for their black dupattas. And stopped in my tracks as I realized I don't live at home anywhere. I don't know about them big changes, but the little changes are more than enough for me right now.

the way i see it-

2006-03-31T13:05:00.000-08:00

one thing i remember wishing for many many times during my wedding was that i had been taking photographs too. my sisters and irani did a fabulous job of taking pictures, and they turned out mad, happy and amazing but there was still that odd moment for me that i wish i had captured- that took place and i know i would have been the only one who caught it.

rang de bsanti

2006-03-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

two people who in their own individual ways are very important to me have told me that watching rang de basanti will change my life.

22.03.06

2006-03-23T03:39:00.000-08:00

engaged.

2006-03-23T02:52:00.000-08:00

seems like yesterday when it was my day.
when i walked into the shamiana,
everyone turned to say ooooh.
i look around at the sparkly lights
and felt goosebumpy.
i search the crowd for k
and we share a smile...
we are no longer the shiny new couple-
and theres no one id rather give up the title
to than my little sister-

demons

2006-02-27T21:55:00.000-08:00

They spring up out of nowhere really.
Dim grey memories of things which other people had made me not like about me.
They reside in dark recesses of the mind, jumping out at a familiar song, a stray photograph or simply a floating memory. Fighting them is easy when I have my pink ladies in waiting or my blue knight in shining armour by your side- demons vanish in poof of multicolured smoke when confronted by happy thoughts or memories or realities. But when I'm by myself, I need to be stronger- more equipped with my faith and belief that I took the right turns all along.

I wonder why demons continue to exist once you have apparently slayed them. Are the short spurts of reminders on how you got to your happy place? Just to make sure we never really get complacent? Or do these spectres never really get slayed at all and are just lying there dormant in you waiting for a moment of vulnerability to spring up to suddenly sink their teeth into your insecurities again?

mirror mirror on the wall

2006-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

Along with space issues and identity crises, the first few months of marriage can also be marked by strange art on bathroom mirrors - all in the name of love and monthly anniversaries!

magicky.

2006-02-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

In countless pre-marriage conversations with some intelligent friends, we came to the conclusion that if you are not happy with yourself inside, nothing can make you happy. Especially not that one person on whose poor soul the entire burden of your happiness lies. We decided then and there, in that hypothetical conversation, that our attempt in life would be to find the happiness, if that's what the elusive butterly is, inside our own selves, by living our lives as we want to and then sharing them with the ones we love, for affirmation. Not by depending on them.
We, in our single clearheaded states, also knew with utmost surity that though magic exists, it's hard work. That there is no such force which will magically hold together 2 people for eternity while differences, in-laws and life spring up all around them, threatening the balance.

Of course hypothetical promises and vows are easy to make and when life hits you in full swing and with curve balls, the exact words of those strong single-woman- statements get a little blurred and it's easy to blame the significant other for the erosion of magic and love.

I'm learning these days. From people around me who let that magic go simply because they refused to acknowledge their own bit in the working of it. Young couples. Happy couples who smiled love-bhari smiles at each other on stage a couple of years ago. In-love couples who fought for the right to be able to spend their lives together. As k and I battle out our first year together, it helps to remember the initial time together, when the feeling was uncomplicated by the dailiness of details, and we try to remember that in the face of all we see taking place. And I realize how much thinking, feeling, understanding and accepting goes into the simple word: magic.

the thing about love.

2006-02-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

the thing about love is
that everyone admits its wonderful
and necessary yet no one agrees
on exactly what it is.

for me right now, it's knowing that i am loved
for who i was, who i am today, and who i
will be tomorrow. happy valentines day, k.
wish you were here.

mere piya gaye rangoon...

2006-02-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

This time-together stuff is underrated.
People dont tell you exactly how amazing and fabulous and addictive being married can be (with the right person, of course). And I'm not counting Mills and Boons here.

My room is silent right now. Testament to k being in lahore for the next few days. It's weird how loud silences can be when you are not used to them anymore. You try to fill them up with lots of books from Liberty, emails to friends you havent written to in ages, TV shows you don't really want to watch, phone calls to people who you see everyday and lots of random activity like reorganizing closets and drawers, writing extra in your journal, staying at aerobics for an extra 15 monute workout...the list is endless. It's so easy to get used to a person in your space. To have someone to think aloud to, sound out life and the day against.

I remember when I got my own room.
Euphemistically speaking of course. In reality it was a small 6 by 6 feet boxy space behind the front door of our Dubai apartment but to me, it was perfect. Of course. No bickering little sisters (I had a password without which they could not enter), no music other than my own. I could dance to my hearts content without the world judging me. Space is so important. Personal space, to be our own person, hussy said.
So why is this temporary space to be a little more me now bothering me?
Why am I now not enjoying this time to myself and using it to do all the things that I would not, could not do if k was here? Perhaps the concept of space evolves when you start letting someone in your head and heart. Maybe space becomes more abstract. Something that exists inside you, without needing tangible reality of a room to assert itself.

Unlikelies.

2006-02-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

In our span of existence, we encompass realities, truths and situations as we know them and sometimes as we can stretch to imagine them. We hardly ever give space to things to be as they could be. To allow in ideas which seem improbable, unreal and fanciful. Then one day, a blog, a conversation or a random get together later, new vistas open up between two unlikely elements and suddenly, the horizons are boundless and possibilities unlimited.

Today for lunch I met two Unlikelies. People who I have known by face and name for over half a decade but people who I got to know in the last few months as result of time, situation and distance. Conversation flowed non-stop, not because we knew each other, but because we didn't. We were people brought together by choice, by a realization that our boxes were no longer working and it was time to step out of them and relearn so many things about the world in general. A little hesitant at first, soon all pretenses at being careful flew out as the real personas emerged; the blog personas, the wives persona, the singles persona, the artists persona, all effortlessly minglling together to create a dynamic between three people who were simply willing to let the unlikely become something likely.

The Halfway Mark

2006-01-27T03:38:00.000-08:00

Ask a majority of married couples what their most tough time together was and the answer is usually the first year of marriage. "If you can survive giving up your space this year, you can survive anything," says a married friend.

Adjustments, compromises, dealing, settling- even the words we use to describe our advent into marriage are cold and unfeeling. They indicate a loss of passion, of self and interest. We turn the usually exhilarating process of getting to know someone into a stressful year of "whats ifs" and "if onlys". I know so many couples who will speak vehemently of how much they had to give up in their first year of married life but never quite so vocally of what they acquired.
However, it seems that, along with being the most difficult year of togetherness, in the hindsight that comes with experience, this year is also supposed to be amongst the best years ever. A year when the responsibility to outward elements is almost nil, when the honeymoon-ness is still in the air and when the magic of learning (or relearning) each other is at an all time high.

So much expectation is riding on the first year, as it struggles to fulfill all demands of being magical, wonderful, tough, difficult and most importantly memorable. As we cross the halfway mark of our first year together, six months of absolutely married life, I have three well-learned lessons under my belt already, lessons it would do me good to remember for the years ahead.

1. Be careful in what you say, in love or in anger. You cannot take words back. Once they have been said, they hang around, in the air, in his head, somewhere waiting for a vulnerable moment to rear their ugly heads.

2. Let go. Leave fights, arguments, differences and annoyances behind at the end of the day. They don't deserve to be baggage for the next day. Don't go to sleep facing the other way and start afresh tomorrow, with a forced smile if you have to.

3. It's the two of you against anything in the world. Always always remember that. If you have him and he has you, you will be fine. Simple.

Onto the one year mark...

and they lived happily ever after,

2006-01-24T02:14:00.000-08:00

I sat with hussy in church, covered in goosebumps, as the bridal entourage walked in. K, with the other 2 best men, escorting the bridemaids, the rise and fall of the music, the poignancy of the words and the feeling of anticipation in the air. Having grown up watching cartoons and movies, the concept of "forever" was always this one.
The trailing white wedding dress,
the "till death do us part" type vows
the high ceilinged church and eventually,
the bride and groom dancing on soft
romantic songs late into the night,
under a sparkling canopy of stars.

with a start like this,
now wonder they lived happily ever after.

setting patterns

2006-01-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

I used to be fascinated by books in which a character would mention that she had lunched with her best friend "every Saturday for the past 20 years". I imagined a relationship flourishing just as a result of lunches and conversation and in my 18 year old life then, imagined that I, too, would form such relationships one day in my life, where I would actively take out time from the routine of my dailyness to fit in someone important even if they were not an everyday reality to me.

When we stare hard enough at the fabric of our lives, we start detecting recurring patterns and motifs- little islands of sense in the unpredictability of everyday life. We start hanging onto those constants with a vehemence, regarding them as key factors of control in an otherwise uncontrolled environment. We start working around other details in life to make space for that motif, that little puece of time out that you now regard imperative to you as you have become today.

Regular espresso breakfasts with meyum and kat over the last year of changes have beeome islands. Snatched lengths of reconnecting time. Sometimes it is silent crosswords, sometimes a non-stop conversation, sometimes venting, other times sorting, resolving and many other times just nothing at all. As I came back today, I realized that this is how, with little things, we make our individual patterns, and set precedences for years to come.

Dinner for Two and a Half.

2006-01-07T04:16:00.000-08:00

one of the best ways of truly getting to know a person, of truly connecting with someone, is over a great dinner, prepared with painstaking attention to detail and had unhurriedly and leisurely, savouring each bite and feeling.

main course: almond chicken in a chunky tomato pesto sauce with fromage potatoes and a cold greek salad with feta and olives in red vinegar dressing
along with crusty french bread with herbs.

finale: a chocolate cheese frozen dessert with vanilla sauce and a dark choc-coffee centre. little bites of heaven.

kaboom.

2006-01-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

what is it about some combinations that does not work at all, no matter how hard you try, and what is it about others that just spontaneously, without effort, combusts?

resolving 2005.

2006-01-02T03:29:00.000-08:00

I think post the age of 25, the struggles have changed.
I remember a time when my list of resolutions had "lose weight" and "not waste money" on it amongst "not fight with sisters" and "be home more often".
as 25 moved to 26 and 27 happened, the resolutions became more inward, more specific to "resolve things with x" and "make peace with y".

Making any kind of resolution this year was hard for me. I don't think I see last year as a particularly resolved one yet for myself. I think I'm carrying some of the baggage forward in the hopes that I will either be able to dump it soon or actually use it to turn myself around. 2005 brought with it a kind of peace for me, as the age old hunt for the better half ended and I started my year informally bethrothed. It signalled the end of an era, of not being single but of wondering. The conversations were finally over. The discoveries had begun.

However, 2005 also shattered a lot of the calm, one that I had achieved with a lot of distance, soul searching and perspective. It left me unsettled, and at many an instance has caused me confusion and gut wrenches as I attempt to balance the excitement of my new life with k with the leftovers of my old life. I look forward to growing up some more in the next year, hopefully not painfully, and preferably not too much.

Wishing everyone a very happy and peaceful new year.

Journal of A Wife by Anais Nin

2005-12-28T11:59:00.000-08:00

"...and of all the things he dared to do, the most dangerous for the well-being of their marriage was to encourage Anais to be herself."
Preface by J. Nin, Journal of a Wife

Hussy brought me a book to read in sick bed. A book I'm enjoying so thouroughly an completely that I never want it to end. Being a wife in the last 5 months of being one has been an experience I can only write about, so imagine my complete fascination with someone who has already written about it. I'm not reading this book, I'm absorbing it as entire paragrpahs jump out to do justice to the wonders of being someone's wife.

two mariams, two takes

2005-12-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

past few days have been testing, bad, ill ones for me.
the two mariams with different spellings both came to the hospital.
one brought me red flowers, one pink. one got bounty, one ferrero rocher.
both know me very very well.

one said, "falling ill gives your friends and people who care a chance to show you how much they love you...sort of like a chance to prove themselves haina?"

the other said "falling ll always makes you realize how many people actually care so much about you haina?"

and it made me realize how lucky I am, to always have two takes on life.

grown-up tests of life.

2005-12-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

Grown-ups can be so wonderful. No matter what you are going through in life, and they will have been through it already.

It's so awesome (and i mean it in the AWESOME sense of the word) that K and I are just beginning our journey. My mind reels at all that we still have left ahead of us, moments and occasions which will on occasion scare us, make us joyful and maybe even one day test our love. It's so daunting to realize that we are at that first level again, the babies in a marriage, and, I'm learning from the "grownups" who are in their 3rd, 5th 11th, 30th and mashallah even 60th year of married life.

We have so much knowledge and experience around us to do with as we please. And as life starts rolling around with its unpredicatblities and twists and turns, not all happy, we latch onto the lessons, the exanples, finding faith and comfort in the fact that some grownup somewhere went through this before and survived this test also and is now living in flying colours.

how you eat and live.

2005-12-18T03:00:00.000-08:00

Hussy once told me, with all the authority of a true Cosmo fan, that how men eat is a giveaway to how they are in bed. I found that bit of trivia immensely enjoyable and for the next few days if we saw a friend eating particularly unusually, the two of us would burst into gales of laughter.

Of course being the over-thinkers that we can be, the conversation went one step further. I noticed that how we were in our college lives, in our earlier days were all clues as to how we were going to tackle important relationships and marriage and eventually babies later on. I realized that out of the lot of us who started out in IVS together, all of us evolved so definitely, so surely into who we are today. For some it meant that we made our peace with husbands and babies earlier on than others and for others it meant accepting that at 30, we will be single and fabulous. For some it starting life away from places they had taken for granted, and for others it meant restarting life in the same place. It's fascintaing to see how every decision can be traced back to those early days when decisions seemed less urgent, less life altering, but somehow I suppose they were.

Looking back is great, especially when done with the right people. You see so many clues which existed back then which link up with who you are today. How you think, how you act, behave, love, fight, sit, shout, and yes, even how you eat.

2005-12-14T08:05:00.001-08:00

Trips are always significant I feel. They give you a chance to reflect, rethink, resolve and eventually reposition any stance on life you might be contemplating at that moment. Even an annual college trip to Hyderabad can suddenly turn meaningful with the right amount of intro-extro-spective people on it, and while being drawn into the intricate webs of self-analysis, you can be freeing demons and really truly running freer than you have ever before.

suraj-mukhi

2005-12-10T06:28:00.000-08:00

Flowers always make people better, happier and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine to the soul.
Luther Burbank (1849 - 1926) US naturalist, plant breeder

who are you gonna call?

2005-11-30T22:59:00.000-08:00

When it's that time of the year (work-wise November usually) and you are in an UGH mood, the one victim who comes to mind is the poor sod who agreed to be with you for better or worse, in richer or poorer and in sickness and in health.
These days, k is learning the other side of loving me.
The side which has me walking in at 11pm from school, blasting the systems of justice for the policies being followed at that particular place of work, or an emotional tirade about my students who are a great batch and why should the "real world" judge them anyways? He's gotten used to me working till 3 am these days, while he unsuccessfully waits up for me, blasting those bleeping aliens on his playstation.

He's learning the best way to keep me happy is to just listen to me rant and rave and express my vehement opinions and burn myself out. After that I can actually be a pleasure to live with :)

bbq's and birthdays...

2005-11-29T01:09:00.000-08:00

Last year, November 27 was a strange strange time.
I hadn't said yes to k so the question hung heavy in the air.
We were suspended in that odd, zingy place where you aren't quite friends anymore, but you aren't more either.
At midnight we were at Hussy's where we cut a piece of mithai and sang happy birthday, completely oblivious to the fact that this year, we would be eating a cake made by the same Hussy at a bbq on the our rooftop, and I would be his wife of 4 months. Life is one of the most hilarious things I have seen...in my life.

two to tango

2005-11-26T05:00:00.000-08:00

as the wedding finally turns into a marriage, and I'm learning all those tiny little things about k that I said "yes" to so clearly and confidently, thinking I knew him so well at that time. Looking back, I wonder who I married compared to what I know of him today.
Some wise old lady once said that you can't know who you are marrying until you are sharing a living space with him and she was so right.
Bathroom space,
room space, bed space,
lounging space, reading space...
all those spaces that in my 28 years of being I had become fond of and luxuriously used to are suddenly "shared" spaces. Where I can no longer do as I please, where I must now keep in mind the sensibilities of another person. A person who, similarly, has a sense of his own set of spaces that I have now become a part of. And as we tango together, around each other spaces, finding common ones, it's another kind of realization of what our mothers always told us, that, sharing really is caring.

She's Back!!

2005-11-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

It's a fantastic high to discover the my reading time was only messed up because of adjustments to lifestyle after marriage ( and lack of a book good enough to extricate me form my real world) and that I can still get engrossed in a book to the point of the world crashing around me, and me obliviously and furiously page turning.

The Night Spent at Momma's- Yet Another Much Awaited Moment in Married Life.

2005-11-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Right before I was married, lots of already married friends told me about the first night spent back at mom's house and how familiarly unfamiliar it felt. They mentioned how much more appreciated they felt by the family, especially previously squabbling siblings and how the time spent together was "perfect in being short". Austen would understand. No time for differences, arguments, or extended fights.

My first night spent at my momma's house coincided with a sudden bout of fever and flu on my part, kookie's minor eye surgery, k's trip to lahore and kAy's absolute breakdown after 3 major assignements. So basically, all of us spent the entire time "together" drugged and asleep.

blurry good times...

2005-11-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

As it is the wedding passes by so fast that one doesn't get round to feeling much. Most emotions are in some kind of a radial blur tool and half the time you are ecstatically happy and the other half ferociously moody. Later on, many details crystallize with the help of photographs and home videos and you actually start appreciating how amazing the whole experience was. But of course, by then you are married and everyone's gone home.

These days I'm missing that pre-wedding butterflies in the stomach. The anticipation of a blind turn and not knowing what is on the other side. That feeling of the backward freefall because really, even to your best friend, it can only be described as the biggest change in your life.*sigh* I wish I could get married again...this time I'd try to be there more consciously :D

The Younger Woman

2005-11-12T01:49:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the "gora chamra" like daddo says...or his pleasant smiling face like my mother insists, or perhaps aafi simply knows a good man when she sees one; whatever the reason, my tiny little niece is doing her best to lay on the charms, thick.

Whether it's as subtle as coyly shy smiles and glances being thrown in k's direction, or something as blatant as patting him on the cheeks after hitting him on the head (remember the girls-only-hit-guys-they-like rule from grade 2), or constantly handing him flowers and oranges through the course of the entire eid dinner, she's a woman with a mission.

Master of My Own Fate.

2005-11-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

A decade of eids spent in the back seat of my father's car with my sisters, fighting over the music choices and I am finally the master of my own destiny. Or atleast the planner of my own eid route. I re-realized a lot of things about the relationships we keep with people. How little they mean sometimes (and we drag them on) and how much they matter (and we don't try enough). How making an effort is so relative. And relatives are just so much an effort.

1. Visiting my parents' house on eid with k felt SO right.
2. Friends cannot be your family.
3. At the best and worst of times, all personal issues can be set aside.
4. Dressing up on eid when with hubby takes on a whole new dimension.
5. New clothes on eid are an affirmation that there is a tomorrow.
6. When you want to meet up with someone, you will. Occasion or no occasion.
7. We make our own separate individual relationships which no extrenal factor can harm or influence unless we let them.
8. With the right people, the energy is always buzzing and you are always beautiful.

a new addition

2005-11-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

this eid, we have a new addition to our room. we bought our first plant and he has lovingly been christened edouard. the nursery wala assured us hes a foreign type and that he will not die on us or wither away. eid is all about acceptance and thankfulness. so we accept edouard and are thankful that he provides greenery in our life now.

p.s: although he got cut out in the pic, you can still see part of his head in the corner. :)

say it with flowers.

2005-10-29T03:55:00.000-07:00

Doing up our room has been fun and I have realized that on days when tired and blah-ed out, all it takes to make your room look new, vibrant, exciting and alive is fresh flowers. i highly recommend lillies which are avaible at the Park Towers flower shop at Rs.225 a stem, and kept well, can last easily upto a month.

sisters and sehris- the best combination ever.

2005-10-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

reminders

2005-10-21T22:53:00.001-07:00

there's something about watching the wedding home videos that`can really resolve issues that arise between me and k at home.
they bring back so much of what was happening only in my head...which no amount of words could do justice to. so many feelings that were poignant and pertinent at only that time. of wondering happiness. awe. numbness. fear. oh, and the butterflies. all gazillion of them. since any and every video made at my wedding was by friends and family, there is nothing professional about it...it's shaky, mad, happy and completely brimming with the feeling that i felt signified my entire wedding time.
and every single time, they remind me of the rightness i felt in my heart and why i married k in the first place.

For the fifth time, how are you today...?

2005-10-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

i have realized i have to fight the urge to call my mom, dad, the poogle, lil jam and k several times a day these days, just see if everything is ok. it's a scary on-the-edge kind of a thing to do...and im praying hard, hoping i don't sound panicky and insane to them.

meant-to-be.

2005-10-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

I think after enough time and happiness in your life, you can get over the Very Bad Thing that happened to you and move on- freer, older, wiser, better, and essentially happier.

knowing me knowing you

2005-10-12T23:58:00.000-07:00

recently i met someone i used to know a long time ago. and i realized in a new way why we stopped knowing each other. all the feelings and emotions of then came back crystal clear as it hit me that though we might not be aware of all the logical details of our gut-instinct-decisions at the time we make them, slowly surely, time unravels and the haze of feelings lift to reassure you that you knew what you were talking about, even back then, many years ago.

in times of need and scare

2005-10-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

as if life wasn't scary enough already in the number of people you love and pray for, being married adds a whole new dimension to it, as i put k to the growing list of people im consciously and subconsciously praying for as much as i can remember. as i watch people's stories, of losing fathers, mothers and husbands and wives and kids, i ask Allah Mian to give them strength for their ordeals and for Him to give us all strength to keep loving those around us, without too much fear in our minds and with a lot faith in our hearts.

marriage perks.

2005-10-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

i think one of the nicest things about being married is the ability to get up go for a late night drive and not have to constantly sms your father to tell him you are 7 minutes away from home and that you will be back by midnight.

days of the full house...

2005-10-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Sehri time at my mom's house (note it's not my house anymore) has always been a mad affair. Somehow my sisters and I are (used to be) at our craziest, brightest and funniest at the time, which promises an uproaringly loud 4am. We (used to) laugh like maniacs at everything possible usually prompting silent tears of merriment from my mom, and an absolute deaf ear from my dad, who after years of dealing with 4 females has evolved superior ignore mechanisms and prefers to eat and go back to sleep.

This year it's k and myself alone since Mummy is in islamabad till after eid. And even though there's a little jig in my heart at all the newness of things and life with him, I cant help feeling sad at the thought of my usual spot on the kitchen floor being empty, as my family congregates for sehri once more starting tomorrow.

ready, get-married, go!

2005-10-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

i recently faced my first "so any good news?" type querying intrusion. as i stared at the lady who is very close to me actually (relation-wise) i wondered if i should honestly share with her my beliefs on the topic and remind her ive been married all of only 70 days or simply smile sweetly and let her think what she might. i decided (against my better judgement) to speak up, only to have her shake her head at me disappointingly, advising me on the opposite, without even listening to me.

no matter how long you might have been going out, been in love, wanted to get married or even lived together, when you marry, you start again. its a new set of circumstances, a fresh set of ideas, a brand new packaging of everything that you might have always felt and wanted. i believe it becomes so important to be together by yourselves for a while, learn anew or new what the person is all about...figure out shared dreams and projects and ideals and plans...understand first the couple that one must evolve into without losing sense of the individual and rushing headfirst into a unit.

the hus-friend syndrome.

2005-09-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

i think what most women are looking for is the loving security of a husband, who sits all night worrying when you toss feverishly, coupled with the frivolous spontanaiety of a boyfriend who brings you yellow balloons to make you feel better instead.

all about the day to day

2005-09-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

we had a young hip teacher in college who we all looked upto a lot. she once told us that the longer you took to get married, the harder it was, because the more you wanted. she was the epitome of the cool single woman who would not bend down to tradition simply because she had to. she would marry when she would want to...
we werent at all surprised when she married an old german friend from college and moved away. she wasnt cut out for the typical pakistani man anyways.

late twenties have proved her words very true. you want to marry but not just anyone. you want to settle down but not JUST settle. you want it all or you want none of it. it's a happy sad time for us because most of us are finally figuring out, after all the heartbreak and tears who we like being, who we are proud being and and now the catch is to find someone who likes that too.

as k and i start our third month as a married couple, it's, like i said, all about figuring out the daily stuff. how we fit into each others life without disrupting the areas we were happily resolved in...and how we establish new routine while weaving in the older habits. in a society where after marriage, the woman is supposed to start-anew and the man is supposed to conti-new, it's time we made our own news.

8 weeks and I’m still married.

2005-09-23T12:29:00.001-07:00

I remember many times, when, in a tone of genuine mirth, my mother would wonder as to who would be insane enough to marry me and what would become of the poor man. Apparently I had zero tolerance (I shouted too much), a severe lack of communication (I wasn’t interested in listening), commitment issues (I got bored too easily), intensity issues (I took myself too seriously), no culinary expertise (to bowl him over and prevent him from noticing my other mental disabilities) and was totally obsessed with my work (hey I love what I do!). On my second month-a-versary today, I’m still married…if for no reason, but to prove my mother wrong. happy month 2 together k, i love you.

cats and dogs.

2005-09-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

i think fights are worse when you are married. For one, both work on the assumption that the person is THERE, that your other half cannot go anywhere because now you are in the ultimate relationship of them all- the marriage. And hence you feel you can be daring about pushing the hurt limit...of what you can get away with. So words are harsher,less thought-out and geared towards more of an impact (since you are theoretically safe in your bubble).

What we can forget to take into account is the corrosion to the soul, the gradual eating away of trust and love, the battering to the heart and the eventual shutdown of all reaction that we are setting in motion. when fighting in a marriage, be very very careful.

i spy with my bride eye.

2005-09-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

pre-marriage wedding hopping always fun. as long as you were armed with a friend/sister whose was willing to gossip, rip, shred and enjoy, it had the makings of a perfectly entertaining evening, especially with what not people are wearing these days.

post-marriage wedding hopping has turned out to be a somewhat different...because on one level you are gossiping, ripping, shredding, and enjoying but on some subliminal level you are comparing all the details to what happenend on your own wedding.

old friends, new times.

2005-09-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

AM was over tonight.

as old friends go...hes prolly one of the oldest. not at all a regular but its one of those hard-to-define relationships, evolved and dveloped in its own unusual way over time.

him coming over to my new place was important, especially since he missed the whole pre-shaadi process. him getting along with k was important too. somehow. k liking him was even more important.

a friend of mine used to say that once married, all your relationships need to be in some subliminal way be approved by your other half. i had pooh-pahed the concept in my search for an "independent-together" married life those many years ago...but tonight, as a little happy sigh worked its way around my heart when AM and k actually got along, i realize she may have had something there.

tip tip tip tip

2005-09-10T00:43:00.000-07:00

rainy sunday afternoons with k.

my husband, the cooker

2005-09-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

a popular question to be asked after marriage seems to be "tauu kya pakaya jaa raha hai aaj kal mian ke liya??" i always stumble here, not sure how to break to the sweet old lady, who probably thinks that i slave over a hot stove all day to make acha acha ghar ka khana for my poor hardworking husband that it's my husband, who most of the time, cooks for us in evening, with me as a happy assistant.

travelling mrs jammie.

2005-08-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i go on my first work trip since i got married almost 8 weeks ago.
although it's only 2.5 days long and a hop skip and jump to isloo and peshawar and back, i am already missing k. and i havent even left yet.

oh god. does this mean im finally a couple????

Just my cuppa.

2005-08-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

settling in a new home has everything to do with finally making that right cup of tea.

auto-drive home.

2005-08-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

starting my aerobics classes again rubbed the newness of feeling married quite a bit. the old familiar routine suddenly made me feel not like the bride i'd evolved happily into and more like the everyday person ive always been. of course it all got undone a moment later as i nearly got to my mothers house before realized that i dont live there anymore.

suddenly i was a shiny new bride again.

zzzz

2005-08-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

the best, most satisfying peaceful nap is still the one you manage to catch in your mommy's room on a random visit home.

memories of an island hop.

2005-08-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

once upon a time we went to a magic island.

the best deal

2005-08-19T21:43:00.000-07:00

a friend, babz, once mentioned to me that falling in love, being head over heels in love, going out, seriously going out, living with someone or any one of the other kind of these things we do to ourselves over our teens and twenties might be fun and fulfilling when we dont know better but they all fall flat in the face of good marriage. Having married someone he obviously loves very much, he told us then that marriage is the best, the security of love that comes out of two good people coming together, who genuinely want a shot at making the best of life.

the words struck me then and these days they occasionally echo in my head, and i wonder if all the relationships i had in the past are now rendered useless just because i have found the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. didnt those connections, as temporary or as permanent as they may have been then make me who i am today? doesnt that wealth of experience contribute to making sure that today, i am who i am and in the larger schemem of things had all those things not happened to make me who i am...then i wouldnt have been with k today. so in effect all those experiences become more precious, changing shape, altering but always remaining a part of my integral makeup.

the itch.

2005-08-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a month since I got married and about 7 weeks since wedding thoughts, feeling and happenings officially took over my entire life, not leaving space for any normal conversation or existence. all my friends, family and I would talk about was wedding related stuff. dances, clothes, changes, make up, finances, spats, emotions...everything was related to the huge thing about to happen in my life.
The days leading up were packed and crazy...The actual days a happy happy blur of colour and organziation and pictures and smiles and tears and then the post wedding stupor finally hit as everyone crawled back to what was once their own life. I flew off to the honeymoon, another technique devided by society to make sure the bride stays sedated on happiness enough to not realize that from now on, everything will be different.
I have been back from my moon for almost a week and the world has started beckoning. as much fun and bliss (allah ka shukar) it has been, I now feel the familiar urge to step out into what was my past life and explore. To see whats happening in my design world. To argue...to talk..to design. To be creative. And as Monday beckons slowly, I'm scared and excited to equal degrees as I step out of the bride bubble and walk back into work mode.

married.

2005-08-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

you know you have been truly married off when you go back "home" and find one sister migrated happily to your room, the other walking around in clothes you had not yet shifted and your cat lounging around in your room, which was previously a strict no-go zone.

never landing.

2005-08-13T04:20:00.000-07:00

landed yet? back on earth jammie?

back on earth, houston, but no signs of having landed yet.
armed with well-intended advice from many a married woman who hated coming back to reality after their honeymoons, i had my teeth clenched waiting for the draft of cold air to hit me, as the plane landed at jinnah international and signaled the end of my married bliss. but three days in the landing, and im happy to report to the world out there in general that, despite the bumpy arrival, the bubble has stayed intact and im still skimming the skies. coming back home in fact has been something of an excitement as well, because im still "newly married" and "special" and still giddy from all the whirling changes that have engulfed my life. a high that, on any possible level and in whatever possible percentages im going to work to maintain for as long as we both shall live.

shh

2005-08-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

*even us trigger happy people are stop clicking when confronted with the sheer wowness of what God has created- turquoise waters, blue skies and absolute serenity within.*

blogging from the 'moon.

2005-08-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

how could you blog on your honeymoon??
you're online from malaysia??
whats wrong with you??

i have had randoms and friends alike express extreme disbelief at the fact that i have actually been online from malaysia. for some insane reason, its apparently supposed to be that once you are on your honeymoon you should not want to be in touch with the real world at all. all that should exist is the happy bubble you are floating in. well. shoot me for being a bad honeymooner then, because as amazing a time as k and i are having being with just each other, my 10-15 minutes of blogging and online hello's with the outside world have kept a interesting perspective on life. it makes me appreciate this get-away even more and makes me realize how lucky i am to have even gotten this time alone with him. talking to friends, writing in here has been my way of stepping back from the blurring kaleidoscope of changes of the past few weeks and it gives me a wonderful sense of achievement to be able to be here with him, and yet still feel like i havent floated away completely. this is jammie signing out from cloud 9, malaysia.

recipe for the perfect honeymoon

2005-08-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

add "no expectation" to lots of love.

you'd be surprised.

Honeymoon Flying.

2005-08-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

on your honeymoon, always take the night flight. in addition to being extremely romantic and very cozy, its also extremely cozy and very romantic.

on travelling.

2005-08-04T01:53:00.000-07:00

ive always loved travelling, alone or with friends. travelling after marriage is a great way to get to know the perosn on another level. you learn so much about someone by simply moving around with them. the way they handle situations. the way they deal with money, tiny crises that prop up and very importantly how often they reach for your hand while just casually strolling along.

The Bridesmaids.

2005-07-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

no wedding can be complete without a set of the bride's girlfriends being there at her beck and call at every waking moment. to receive shouty sms's, to be the punching bags, to deal with her rants, to share in her dreams, to manage the cell phone, to resolve her past, to peep into her future, to laugh madly, dance insanely, cry uncontrollably, share looks meaningfully, to bitch without reserve, absorb quietly and simply simply be there. to my bridesmaids, without whom this wedding could not have happened.

life.

2005-07-30T04:19:00.000-07:00

i think Allah Mian sends down the juxtaposition life and death, of extreme happiness and sadness, to us to instill in us a deep sense of appreciation of what we have today, to make us realize that both pain and joy is transient and in the end, we should be thankful for those we have around us and pray for the strength to always deal with what we have humbly and as best as we can.

Five Days After Marriage

2005-07-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

the first few days of being married is kind of like being on a vacation. you know those summers when time used to slow down or speed up depending on how good a time you were having or how tired you were. when time was a mere concept and there were no rules of having to sleep at a particular 10pm or wake at a specific 8am. everything just puttered along merrily, in one happy slow-mo kind of way. post marriage is like that. like the vacation of your life, with your best friend. anything less than that is a compromise.

The Big Day

2005-07-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

aafi called me from england the day after my wedding and said she had one thing to ask me which would tell me a lot about how the rest of my life with k will be. "How did he receive you on the stage on your wedding day?"

i didnt have to hesitate.
he came up to hold my hand to take me to our seats, and then stopped, looked at me and handed me a single red rose. i a hall packed with people, all of whom are trying to wish you the best simultaneously, thats the closest it gets to a private i love you.

on my last single night...

2005-07-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

...i went to espresso with drying mehndi on my hands with meena and mars and we drank coffee and laughed and took mad pics.

...my red hot chilli pepper bottle got smashed to bits by my darling niece, who i still love despite that.

...my morning nikah outfit got left behind at the tailors with no hope of recoevry before the ceremoney tomorrow.

...my cousin, sisters and i tried to figure out what to do and ended up family gossiping instead.

...i wrote an email which signaled the end of an era.

...i prayed to Allah Mian to help me retain my sense of humour and faith and to keep me realizing that this is all some detail of a large plan which im too small to understand.

2005-07-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

The Perfect July Night in Karachi.

2005-07-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

in one of my several daily conversations with Allah mian for the past couple of days, i had been requesting insistently on my mehndi being uneventful rain-wise. with karachi you never know. at sam's rukhsati in december 2002 we practically threw her in the car and ran for cover to escape the sudden downpour. at z's engagement, we hopped under the shamiana looking for dry spots where the rain didnt pelt through the canvas. at b's baraat, our ghararas sloshed the floor as we waded through a foot of water to get to the hall. rain has its charms, as a karachiite i must admit, but not on important wedding days. and so as Allah mian sent me the perfect july night for my mehndi (dholki), i smiled in thankfulness at the rightness of it all- the family, the friends, the dances, the songs, the yellow gharara, the lights, the colours, the happiness and very importantly the person, k, who i love so much and whose wife i will be tomorrow inshallah.