june, july

around 11:15 in the morning today, i was just wrapping up a meeting when my phone clicked. it was mars messaging me... "i might as well point it out...you're getting married NEXT month."

The Magic Dress

my earliest wedding memories date back to 1983 when the whole aspect of marriage was a fascinating semi-understanding of staying up late nights, lots of singing and dancing and a general breaking of the usual rules that applied to us kids. even then, being 6 years old, i was aware of the fact that Something Special was happening.

although a 1980's bride can now only be termed a fashion faux-pas, at that time, minna was the most gorgeous bride i had ever seen. a whirl of the brightest colurs in the world, she represented Beauty as i had never seen before. and the clothes. oh those clothes. i remember standing near her on the stage, captivated by the rich blend of colours and the intricate work catching the overhead lights, reflecting and sparkling as if by magic. i remember being fascinated by the makeup, which had transformed her into this Beauty Queen, the shimmer on her face making her glow as she looked appropriately shy and demure, the perfect bride.

22 years later and i am the bride. my fascination for the wedding outfit remains intact. so much so that when i tried it on for the first time just a few days ago, i was swept away again, just as completely, with promise of happiness, sheer magic and the power of transformation that this dress holds within it.

on being bridey.

nowadays, i mostly function on automatic to-do lists. lots of tiny coloured post-its stuck like confetti on my wall unit, reminding me my various aims and objectives for the day. drop off artwork cd to printer. pick up doop from dyeing. go to check sherwani kaam. buy pair of gold shoes. hand in semester grades.
i tried being a bride and taking time off. that didnt work out too well so i decided im a happier, saner, easier-to-live-with human being when i feel mentally challenged. and now im back at work.

it seems to me that the popular opinion is that the months preceding the wedding, the girl, however full a life she has, should give it all up and sit at home. feel pampered and precious. glow a little, the fair and lovely way. be calmer. maybe its just me being a control freak, but how exactly does that work? with a zillion little bits of info and things to think about or manage buzzing around like insistent mosquitoes in my head, sitting at home does not make me calmer. infact, it makes me antsy, crippled and very very difficult to live it. give me errands and im happy. keep me working and im busy. keep me distracted and im actually halfway decent to live with also. i think my poor mom learnt it the hard way.

time to dump it.

we all lug around our fair share of emotional baggage. things that happened that we have just not been able to let go of. we may have survived without scars but the repercussions linger, rearing their nasty tentacles in our moments of vulnerability and insecurity. we drag this baggage around, thinking that by not letting go, we are reminding ourself of some kind of lesson we learnt from this experience. to be less open. to be more careful. to be wary. in fact, what we are actually denying ourselves the freedom to move on, to be someone completely new. someone better. someone who will not make the same mistakes again. someone who can live with trusting again. in essence by dragging around the sealed boxes of failed relationships, friend hurts and bad career moves, we hinder our unfettered movement forward. our pace slows under the burden and the inability to treat the past as something gone weighs on us. so today, i cast my emotional baggage aside (or i try to atleast), because the happy place where i want to be is right there on the horizon and by dragging all the unnecessary crap with me, i am unable to go jumping hopping, skipping to the better time that is beckoning from over the hills.

what is enough?

we want different things in life on different
levels at different points from different people.
from some, you want the earth and the stars
surrounding it and from others a small nod and
wave from a cross a crowded room will suffice.
from someone, a singular look is enough, that
pins your eyes and sends your heart soaring
over the moon and from someone else, it is
enough that he does not look your way anymore.

love is...flip flops.

a few years ago, along several stretches of road (i think shamsheer being the main one) a number of 'love is' banners used to go up religiously every year, featuring the trademark little boy and girl.
love is...thinking of you.
love is...when we are together.
love is...being with you...always.
i remember straining to lookout for them every time i knew they were up, trying to catch glimpses while beng driven past, smiling and wondering who the lucky girl (woman) was whose boy (man) loved her so much that he wanted the streets to proclaim it. for the sweet dreamy 16 year old me with a mushy heart and an overactive imagination, it was the ultimate in romantic gestures.
so many stories became associated with it...an old man whose wife died of cancer...an uncle so in love with his wife even after 35 years of being married to her...a young man who was desperately trying to get his true love to say yes...the tragedy and emotion mingled to melt even the toughest hearts.

then randomly i ran into someone who claimed to know who did this...but of course i never followed it up. us romantics are not interested in the practical details. only the stories, and as fairy tales go, karachi had its very own to tell.

dream come true.

too sober.
too flashy.
too disco.
too ethnic.
too traditional.
too modern.
too immature.
too serious.
too funky.

for days now i have been trying to design my wedding card and im not getting anywhere. its like your dream project with a nightmare as the client.

when you need to talk.

there are times when you just want to talk. about what is right what is not. what is on. the clutter`in your head needs airing. the cobwebs need smacking and justa general spring cleaning is required. you want people to be there, ready to listen to you, sound you out. tell you to shut up or listen to you rant and rave. people who are there because they want to be not because youve asked them. people who are there becauyse they care and not because of any other superficial reason that exixst out in the world. people who make time out of their oh so busy busy life and scheds to call up and ask...so hows it going? i want those people in my life starting right about...now.