There were always in me, two women at least,
one woman desperate and bewildered,
who felt she was drowning and another who
would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,
conceal her true emotions because they
were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,
and present to the world only a smile,
an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
- Anais Nin

Just Wait Till Youre Married...You'll See.

married women wield this phrase with a mad sadistic power, chuckling evilly inside while making sympathetic clucking noises infront of the happy-in-her-world bride to be.
everyt time you meet a married friend, it seems as though shes bound by duty to inform you of all the things BAD in a marriage...and if perchance you happen to not agree that life will be pathetic later on...they will remind you, just wait till youre married, you'll see.

so i met a friend while k and i were out researching on fun colours for the room today, and she asked me how everything was coming along. i answered in my usual effervescent fashion about how hectic life has gotten and it seems like one minute im on the computer designing a book and the next minute we are measuring curtain cloth. in my naivety i forgot i was talking to hardened married woman, who instead of appreciating the fact that i felt proud of my multi-tasking, chose to interpret it as a complaint, that my precious freedom to do as i like was already lost. even before i finished my sentence she was shaking her head in commiseration and telling me how much worse it will be after im married.

it seems to me that everyones waiting for me to be married, so that i can see for myself how burdensome it is. how bogged down one feels. how much the pressure is. how about sharing with me the better details? like what it feels like to be someones wife? to go home with someone every night knowing youn love them? to wake up next to them and go on with life but with a little hop in your heart instead? how about redefining for ourslves what marriage actually means? and finding strength to embrace the changes as part of life?

just wait till i'm married. you'll see. inshallah.

The So-Called Friends*

i think one of the best tests to find out who your real friends is to get married.

we go through life, making friends and sometimes, sadly enough, breaking friends.
as opposed to the daily dose friends, who are a necessity for normal crossing of a 24 hour period, some are another-life friends, with whom you will always pick u where you left off, in some manner. they might not know what you do right now, they might have no clue to your daily life and people, but on some level you will always connect. you wont call them when youre upset but times spent with them will always make you realize how far you ahve come.
come wedding time, though, sensitivities to all types of friends is heightened. you are suddenly the bratty bride who must at all times have the complete undivided attention of your friends. they must not have lives. they must always be available. to shop. to bum. to bitch to. or simply be with. its part of the unwritten code for female friends.
daily dose friends suffer more, methinks, having been one of them several times over at many friends weddings. we suffer more because we feel more. we are more emotional (a FRIEND is getting married) and we feel more responsible (a friend is getting MARRIED!) and we suffer most because we believe in being there- in not missing moments.

now the so-called friends- a bred species all on its own, who believe in being there as long as you are the one making the effort. who believe in helping as long as you beg for the help. who will be there OF COURSE, as long as theres not something more exciting scheduled for that night (in that case they will simply drop in). this kind of characteristic can be found in the daily dose friends (for which you will love them anyways because being friends means accepting crap) and also in the another-life friends, in which case it simply becomes annoying.

ive seen my share of bratty brides, and i dont aim to be one of them consciously. but i have realized how on the edge all emotions suddenly get. you are teetering on the brink of reaction at any given time. its a time when the littlest of thoughtfulness is magnified to intense proportions and at the same time the tiniest of thoughtlessness is also huge. i am suddenly more aware of the fact that nothing will be the same.ever. it might get better (inshallah) but it wont be the same. it might be amazing (inshallah) but the familiarity will be gone. and even though i am attempting rational behaviour on my part, it doesnt change the fact that till my wedding, its my turn to expect the world from my friends.

*credit for this posts title goes to a conversation i had with o.a just minutes ago on why friends can be such a bummer sometimes.

Thought of the Day.

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. - Mae West (1892-1980)

so easy.

its so easy to be angry. its so very easy to forget all the ways and reasonings with which you actually got to the point of having said yes. one small, ill-timed reminder and you are back to square one- wary, defensive and on your guard.its so easy to fall back into the pattern of watching out for yourself, of championing your own cause. its so easy to want to be alone again because that is when you are at your best self-preservatory. its so easy for a simple short-life tiff to develop into something complicated and long drawn out.
its so easy to be melodramatic. to claim that nothing will ever be the same again based on a moment of incompatibility.

and...thank god its just as easy to let that moment go.

Great Expectations.

EXPECT: one of the most tortured words in the history of the english language, the ab-usage of which is taken to new heights during the matrimonial period.

what takes a normal free thinking, free speeching 20-something year old and turn her into a head bobbing, placid, meek human being who nods sagely at ridiculous suggestions? the expectation factor. the simple explanation is that it was done for centuries before...and so what if the point and relevance of it is lost on life today, it MUST be done coz...it was always done.

im all for tradition. i think we have some beautiful ones, even those we havent bummed off hinduism and india. but as the years go by, things change. lives evolve and i find myself questioning a lot of what i took for granted just because it was all part and parcel of the process of getting married. knowledge in this case did breed dissatisfaction as i realized that most of the things that the bride and groom do are based on some rasm created on the whim of an expectation of someone far up in the ancestry. while sitting mayun and protecting yourself from the sun so you are fairer on your big day is still advisable i dont think your eyes will disintegrate if you perchance set sight on the groom.

i realize its an age thing. im an older bride. which could translate into a hassle free bride or maybe its simply a personality flaw. i dont see the point of my wedding showcasing a way of being which isnt me. and if im the one getting married, then along with the set of expectations the occasion serves, i feel it should also reflect my set of values and beliefs.

its been pleasing to know that my family expected nothing normal from me. i come from from a fairly open minded family where people dont go berserk with expectations until they are given free reign to do so. i have realized this while closely observing my last 2 cousins weddings. so armed with knowledge of behaviourial psychology, i set my targets clearly and concisely. i am not unreasonable either. i dont argue for the sake of arguing (unless someone really pisses me off). i value the wisdom of the 'done thing' too...because i do understand that a lot of what is said is true because it has proved itself worthy of being repeated.

i dont know what the next 4 months have in store for me. and i dont know what the wedding week will finally culminate into being. but i hope and pray that i go through the whole process a happy woman, without the burden of the unnecessary expectations on her shoulders.

Married Friends Cocktail Recipe.

One of the best ways to prepare yourself for marriage to spend lots of time with your married friends, observing the intricacies of their relationships.
Be objective. Look, listen, absorb and reflect.
Their year long, month long or even 2 week long headstart on you mixed with your shiny happy idealism is a great platform to get started with life on, coz it allows you to build castles in the air, but with a foundation on earth.

staying me.

a trend ive noticed amongst soon to be married or married women is suddenly losing who youve been for the past 20-something years of your life. we suddenly fall into the trap of what we 'should be', not even thinking about what actually is. we think that suddenly we must not be seen in excessive company of men, even if you have literally grown up with male friends all your life. we assume we must suddenly be more home driven than career driven; after all your existence finally has some purpose...and most importantly we are worried about coming across too much as a person with a mind of her own. we want to seem pliant and feminine so we keep quiet when all our lioves we have fearlessly crusaded for truth. without thinking of the message we are actually putting across we create our own traps and then walk into them.

amongst various other adjustments in my head and my space, one major one is also reminding myself periodically to stay me. to remember who i was before i met k and to recall that that is what brought us together in the first place. in the coming months till the wedding, i am going to keep going as i have been, working happily, finding my muse, being creative and slowly start accepting new truths, new facets about me without compromising on any of the old ones.

married to a stranger.

its hard enough getting married to someone you like. what about when you marry a stranger? is it easier? more difficult? less of a hassle? more expectations?

our generation seems to be specializing in the independant life set up. i am me. you are you and together we have a life. the need factor is diminishing because both are actively involved in setting up a life. marriages of long ago functioned on a need factor...is that why they lasted longer? if the woman had had a choice, would she have left the stranger she married if they didnt hit it off?? or was the concept different altogether? did marriages just last because they were supposed to? does overthinking kill the concept of marriage which is, cut down to the basic, just 2 people sharing living space?

i know many people who married friends. and i know some who married strangers. people they had met a total of 3 times before they got married. or only gotten to know after an engagement. the success rate of the stranger marriages is higher. why? did they walk in with open minds and open hearts, ready to compromise on things for the sake of being part of a unit? and where do friends go wrong? why do sweet love stories sour? too much wanted out of what is a simple equation of 1 person plus another equals 2 living together. does love heighten our sense of life? do we want more? and how do we know even in love you havent settled for less?

listen. they know what they say.

one of the hardest things to do is know what you want when you are drowning in suggestions from well wishers all over the world. and while the good intent and help is appreciated, it manages to confuse me to the point of not being able to even acknowledge the existence of the gut feeling i have come to rely on as part of life skills.

the best thing ive realized is to step back and take some time out. even 5 minutes. there is no decision that needs to be made that immediately and taking some quiet time for yourself not only clears the clanging clutter in the head but also alllows the inner voices to pipe up with their opinions. and you know those little people usually know what they are talking about.

One Half Of Us.

God made us all in pairs.

Having heard that since we were old enough to understand the storey of Prophet Nuh and the Ark, there was this settled faith somewhere inside of me that out there somewhere was my meant-to-be half. Its only recently that i realized that I had serenely accepted that I was a part of an equation. That I thought of myself as a half. Not a whole person. But a half. Did that mean that until I meet someone in life, I will drift through life feeling incomplete? Did I, on the outside, go though the motions of a full happy life all the while inside feeling that some jigsaw piece was missing?

Falling in love is soon followed by falling into a couple. Unless of course that preceded love. And it does sometimes. By force of habit, by routine, by chance. You just fall into someone's pattern of living, being, thinking, and suddenly you no longer belong to yourself. You are connected by some cosmic connection to this one other person- without whom you will be at odds, waiting for their re entry to feel useful again.

Society conspires to confirm that feeling as well. With K having recently been away for stretches of time on work, I got used to the odd comment of how "listless" I was looking. Or "bored". Funny how my looking bored and listless before never deserved comment. Or was it now because Im part of a whole that my being a half even for 10 days is glaringly obvious?

K came back tonight. And as I walked towards the door to open it, I was acutely aware of this sense of homecoming. Of everything suddenly being right in in the world. In the past 10 days, I had missed him yes, undoubtedly, but the sudden peace in my heart took me by surprise. Was it feeling relieved? Relaxed? Or...just whole?

What Are You Looking For?

This question I have dodged all my life because it has always been asked at points when I am most unsure what it is that I'm looking for. Many a times when I was asked this and obviously pertaining to a life partner, I wasnt even sure that I was looking. what do I want? ummm. A nice person maybe? Not an axe murderer? Where does one start? And more imptly, does one ever end? And if i were able to draw a clear enough picture, you mean to say that a kind soul will actually find somone like that for me? And if they found this paragon of perfection, wouldnt they rather just keep him for themsleves?

Upon hearing about me and k, an old aunty friend of the family's exclaimed delightedly that he was exactly what I needed. So was I looking for something I needed when I was supposedly looking? Or is the need factor thrown in for good measure?

As a shopper, im compulsive and many of my purchases have precious little to do with need. I just look and like and buy and be happy. Is that an indication of the frivolity level of my decision making? Are my life choices just as based on some kind of gut happy instinct? Am i a compulsive-impulsive? Do I know I need what I look for? Or do i subconsciously look for what I need?

Do You Want to Marry Me?Or Be My Wife?

in our culture, i think weddings are designed to ensure that by the end of the allotted time, the bride and the groom have safely discovered sides to each other they wish they never had.

i love that line in FRIENDS when monica says to chandler that she doesnt want a great wedding but a great marriage. it made so much sense. in the 6 month period preceding the wedding, most brides and grooms tend ot forget the reason they were doing this in the first place, as discussion turn to show sizes and towels and bed linens and clothes clothes and more clothes.

the entire process of having found the right person in my opinion was exhausting enough, but not to be outdone, the process of finally getting to be with him, has suddenly become more taxing. days of endless rounds in the car to ashiana and never ending conversations on some irrleveant little detail become the focus and the bigger picture starts gathering dust.

after one such endless exasperating round to gulf or ashiana or one of the cloned shopping malls and after swimming through all the cloth in the world, i got back home with a headache from hell. and promptly picked up the phone to chew out poor k's ears on how much im suffering doing these un-me things. not fair, i realize as the phone started dialling. this isnt his fault. why should he have to deal with it?
hi hotttty.
he answered with his usual cheer. i smiled.
pause. this moment would decide where this conversation could go.
up or down?
UP, i chose. and just like that i changed my day.

three resolutions i make today:
1. i will not hang onto the exasperation of these days. this is a means to a life with k.
2. i will not judge anyone from situations that arise these days. this is an adjustment period for all of us and all of are are allowed to be irrational, emotional, unreasonable, hyper and illogical.
3. i will not let random, stray comments control my moods or how i am with k and his family. this will set the pattern for the rest of my life.