The Nikahnama

like every other official paper in this country, the nikahnama is also depressingly designed. why is it that we still want to believe that the way things look have no bearing on how we feel about them?? if there were well-designed, aesthetically superior passports, driving licences, tax forms, ID cards, NTN certificates and government forms, i personally believe that people would be a lot more open to actually making an effort to obtain them and work according to the law.

my mother gave me this depressing looking piece of paper which i thought was a lecture or something she got from the madressah next door; instead it turned out to be the piece of paper that is going to verify that k and i are man and wifey. Depressing. How can people be excited about marriage and look forward to a happy life when they start out life together on a piece of paper that looks as pessimistic as this? who designs these anyways?

my room with the view.

since the time we are little girls, we know that this is The Big Day. this is the day after which nothing is ever the same again. we move out, leaving our younger siblings to scrounge through the remnants of your life and take whatever fits them. we leave the room, for someone to move into or convert it into a guest room. we pack up little details of our past, things we will not want to need again. that purple dinosaur, frayed but much loved, held onto for purely sentimental reasons. the picture softboard with its many layers of photos, cards, memories and thoughts. the white leather chair, laden with so many moments of relaxing book reads, anguished curl-up crying sessions and deep analytical what-is-life talks.

as tomorrow shows up with its im-getting-married-this-month moment, i look at my room of the past 13 years. a room im deeply attached to. thats been my haven in moments of sorrow and loneliness and my dance floor in moments of ecstatic happiness. a room that has been clean and cluttered depending on my own state of mind. a room ive been locked in once for hours ( the door had to be broken down). my room which has the view of the sparkling lights of the city. my own little balcony where ive sat out on cold nights, talking quietly on the cordless.

it slowly becomes important to pack up all the details properly. with care and with a sense of nostalgia and good feelings. to resolve all past regrets and hurts even if only by acknowledging them. and for the next few weeks, as i attempt to do just that, i hope on the 23rd inshallah, when i get married, i get married with a sense of freedom, happiness and resolved-ness. inshallah.

dance fridays.

some of the most memeorable times from my wedding i think will turn out to be the crazy friday (somehow always friday) dance sessions, when weary of our work and other lives, we would dance the thakkann away, going home with tired feet and temporarily lifted hearts, ready to face routine again.

until the next friday.

The Five Point Plan.

1. today leave behind anyone who is not worth the time, effort or emotion or who makes you feel that you arent.
2. today chuck aside all those relationships at which you work singlehandedly.
3. today cast aside the idiotic notion that you have to love and respect and not be loved and respected equally in return.
4. today throw aside those people who hurt you because of their emotional blindness.
5. today dump the idea that ongoing friendship or love is based only on past happy times.

feats of the brave

getting married is like trying to tightrope walk across a vast chasm below which lies a pit of hungry snarling tigers. the minute you precariously wobble, a great growl of satisfaction echoes, as they plan to gleefully to rip you into shreds.
so a brave bride must turn a deaf ear to all the noise by turning up the volume of happy songs in her head and valiantly keep inching her way across the canyon, as the other end slowly but surely comes into sight.

The Bride in India

i didnt really want to go this close to the wedding because somehow suddenly, you want to stick close to all that is familiar since it wont be around in a bit anyways. But coming for this week to mumbai was the best thing that could ahve happened. this trip was for april but we made it here the day before and as the 6 of us just go out and explore the city, watch movies, shop and absorb this country, i think this journey couldnt have come at a better time.
the space does wonders.
the chage does wonders.
the tiny annoying details of the wedding are now precious memories in karachi which im looking forwrd to getting back to.
the missing him element adds a spark to our bathroom tiles and cupoboards conversations.
the imagine-the-wedding-is-next-month is an excited phrase of wondrous disbelief and excitement. it hink we all need to take a step back...far back away from what is our reality and then look at our reality again to love it.

reality butterflies.

as i hit the six week mark to the wedding, i feel the butterflies doing their formations in my stomach every now and then. im not sure exactly what it is. nervous anticipation of a new life? the fact that my sister is mentally redecorating my room at this very minute? that i will be living in someone elses house for the rest of my life?

i think till now the whole process of getting married had been one of lighthearted introspection and a removed acceptance. sort of an underwater realization that it is me getting married this time. but as the days start ticking by faster (as they do towards the end) i am beginning to feel my insides dance in a variety of moods. part of me wants to put my head under the blanket in clinginess to the life i have right now. but another, more insistent part of me cant wait to start life with k who deals with my mad ramblings and incessant plans with good natured humour.
and as the weeks literally melt into july, i am slowly packing up the old,
ready to move into the dreams i have chosen for myself.

My Perfect Chocolate Man