im free!

Freedom after marriage is such a popular notion; unsuspecting unmarried women spin dreams of being able to wear and do exactly what they want afterwards. Extreme late-nights are within reach and on the horizon shimmers this mirage of being able to be the queen of one's own destiny...finally. Unfortunately, that is exactly what happens.

Post marriage, to me, atleast everything has seemed more heightened. My parents seem a bit older, my grandparents even more so; my sisters and cousins are friends now, and my friends almost a part of the family. I don't know when the metamorphosis started but all relationships suddenly require more work, more maintenance. People who you saw once in a while because your parents visited them and inevitably dragged you, now fall into the endangered species category for you because, if left upto you, you might never see them again. So you need to fit them into your life even more seamlessly. You are now required to have a separate thing with them- add to checklist. Your eid visiting list is severely modified as you chuck out the people you visited because of your parents relationships with them and add in the people you should visit because of your own rapport with them- and this is not counting the must-visits- (let's not even go there). The births, deaths, achievements, forever multiplying as friends find partners and insist on reproducing, can no longer be celebrated by your mothers representation for the entire family- your module of existence suddenly becomes separate because you are now married. Your invitations to weddings are separate, so RSVP is also your own. It's like after a long easy ride, free of the boring ritualistic family social commitments. I'm suddenly told that I have to do my own driving. But take the same routes. The have-to's of my parents are finally changing...into more have-to's of my very own.

just the two of us

Being happy with your situation, i have realized, is a rare bird.
We always like the grass on the other side. Simply because it isn't ours.

These days its just the two of us. Mummy is in Isloo.
And I am the Princess turned Queen of the House. I have the accounts in a book. I have to pay salaries.
When the eggs finish and I have forgotten to get them ahead of time, I have to run out and get some. And then I wonder why do people want to live alone together? Having arrived from a family where chaos and support is part of our daily diet, this quiet existence starts resonating loudly in my head. Now I have Catu so coming back home has become entertaining. Atleast something alive and jumping greets you. Even if it is for food. I think back to my mom's house and the constant comings and goings of the entire family during the day and the silence becomes even louder. I put on music sometimes to dance in the room and it's funny because no one tells me to turn it down. I'm used to the conflict. Winning against no one isn't fun.

All wise women, married and otherwise stressed to me the importance of our time alone right after marriage. According to the most cynical of them, that is the one chance you get to make him yours. And according to the other 10 percent, thats the only time you will have to actually be with each other before life and inlaws take over. So as the fairytale goes, K and I are living happily-ever-after these days; feeling "married", doing household stuff together. We take turns feeding Catu, we cook dinner together, watch movies, have friends over. We dance all over the house. And we get to know each other. He hates adrak and lessun ki smell. I can't chop onions. He won't touch liver and I won't be left alone at home at night. He watches horror movies when I am away and I watch Indian movies when he is not home. And as we learn these essential details about each other, it doesn't matter if its just the two of us or if we are surrounded, because at the end, when the day is over and everyone has gone home, it is just the two of us after all.

love you k, for today

big changes, little changes.

Marriage is the big Change. The one with the captial letter.
Or so I'd heard from anyone who got married and dropped out of our usual scene. There would always be an "inlaws thing" on the same day we decided to hang out, or a "let me ask my husband"- or simply a "we'll see". People you saw everyday or atleast heard from once a week completely became unavailable, territories got marked, and accessibility was a hurdle.

Maybe very little has changed in my life since Marriage. Or maybe I just took it as yet another life experience or maybe I really *am* weird, but the big changes didn't shake my earth very much. Tiny little tremors, perhaps, but who doesn't like an occasional jolt, just to shake things up a little? However today as I got dressed to go to our bloggers meetup, I started looking around for my black dupatta, and then remembered that I had sent it for laundry. As a complete natural reaction, I left the closet to go ask one of my sisters for their black dupattas. And stopped in my tracks as I realized I don't live at home anywhere. I don't know about them big changes, but the little changes are more than enough for me right now.